Tuesday, March 11, 2014 - [frequent bad dreams. ]
Yesterday I wrote to a friend and said there's many reasons to be
happy. Which I still think is true. But I suppose there's a lot of
reasons to be sad/uneasy too.
The past year, I
mean March 2013-2014. Oddly has been the happiest year so far in my
life but also the period of increased nightmares. My nightmares are all
very similar. 50% of them of me being kidnapped by my ex. A terrible
man. But I understand that's because he was a very controlling person
who dictated what I did every day I was with him. So I suppose having
some nightmares of him is natural. Since I pretty much hate 99% of
his being and he never crosses my mind until I wake up from a nightmare I
think why the fuck are you still haunting me, I don't get why I'd dream of him up til now.
Recently my nightmares have changed a bit. I am being
tortured in most cases and struggling to escape a painful situation.
For example I had a dream recently I was in the hospital bed and
screaming out in pain. Zac was there and he said, it's okay if it really
hurts and I can't take it the doctors can stop it. But I was insistent on continuing
whatever surgery I was doing.
Another time I was being interrogated by some sort
of organization that wanted information that I simply did not have. I
was strapped down and made to eat horrible "truth-telling" food but I
honestly had no clue why I was there and could not produce any info they
wanted and they told me they'd locked up my family and told me my
family was very outraged and disappointed that I had put them in harm.
I was so confused and guilty, I wanted to free them, I didn't want them
to think I caused them harm, WHY WONT ANYONE LISTEN TO ME !? I woke up
in tears from that dream.
Last night I dreamt that I was fired from a job. I
was blackmailed by some other co-workers at a fancy restaurant and how I
had failed to do something. The boss was some how my discipline
mistress in school and she actually whipped me for doing a bad job.
Although I had no recollection of being given certain tasks. But that
dream sorta had a good resolution because I jumped out of the building
and I had some evidence that the restaurant was trying to poison ... The
president or some big shot who was there dining. I was caught again after
jumping out of the building and they were trying to pacify me instead
and trying to bribe me into not exposing them.
I don't know if these dreams are like.. some
premonition telling me about the future or .. whuuut.... ? I also wake
up every single night sweating even if it isn't a bad dream. I don't
know if it's the ventilation or because my body is so stressed from all
the bad dreams. Once I wake up and shift the blanket away and sometimes I
change my clothes because it's soooo soaked in sweat , and go back to
sleep, I stop sweating. In fact I start to feel cold the rest of the
night til I wake up in the morning still feeling cold .
So this... Has been happening very consistently .
Bad dreams, sweating ... Maybe I need to see a doctor psychiatrist or
something. Back to my first sentence,
Me to friend: don't be so sad (: be like me ! I'm so carefree
Zac to same friend: no she's not ! she's the least carefree person ever!
Me: ???? Since when
Zac: you make problems out of everything
Me: I doooo??
Okay
I thought more about that today (once again reflective alone time on
the bus) and .. I don't know what to think now. I do worry about stupid
stuff like what to cook, do I need to go buy ingredients, what should I
wear, should I do something to my hair, what time do I need to wake up.
I'm sure everyone thinks about this kinda trivial
things right, but scarily I spend hours thinking about such things, so
maybe that's causing too much stress on my brain. Yes I actually think
about what to cook. What will I have left to make tomorrow, the most
efficient way to use each ingredient and if I have to go to the nearby
woolies or a particular store in the city or sunnybank for a certain
meal and I think about whether I can buy in bulk and how likely the food
will go off and I honestly think about this for probably 2hours or more
every single day. What about the nutritional value of it. Do I need
more of this food, will zac like this. Is it too repetitive?
I like cooking a lot and I appear so happy doing it but I secretly think and think and think and think a lot about it.
Besides
that I think compared to a normal student, I have a lot more stupid
problems like my weird 2-way broken family, my dad vs my relationship,
sometimes health problems because I'm so bloody weak, sometimes money
problems because I live away from home. Sometimes I naturally get
worried over uni-work .
But all these things are always at the back of head.
I literally wake up each day and think about food and bus timings and
what to wear to uni and almost never worry about those stuff I just mentioned until someone asks me or dad suddenly calls me.
I'm not satisfied with google's answers as to why I get frequent nightmares. Bad diet and anxiety and lack of sleep are really none of the contributing factors I see in myself.
Help? ):
I'm not satisfied with google's answers as to why I get frequent nightmares. Bad diet and anxiety and lack of sleep are really none of the contributing factors I see in myself.
Help? ):
Labels: anxiety, bad dreams, kidnap, nightmares, overthinking, pain, stress, sweating, torture
bits of me revealed at ..
5:51 PM.
Monday, March 10, 2014 - [just taking the bus ..]
Had a sorta big milestone in my life last week (shhh secret)
Anyway, my bus ride is almost over, so I'll end if with a
chorus from a song I really like. It's for a special friend to luuuuuc
at the lyrics and listen (: it's been quite some time, don't be sad for
too long more, there's a lot to be happy about too ~
The song's called "煎熬" (Jian Ao) which means torment, excrutiating pain, torturous etc.
Also had a huge relief but at the same time a new burden created
Was
walking to the busway from uni and my iPad played the most amazing
songs for me. Making me feel completely guiltless for leaving class
15mins early so I would catch the bus at 7.10 rather than wait til 9.10
for the next one. I thought again about how fortunate I was and how it
feels alittle foreign to be taking the bus again.
(by the way writing this on the bus :3) I thought about taking the bus tomorrow and how I
have no clue what the city bound bus timings are at the stop near home
XD . Talked to dad alittle on my bus ride home and how I wish I could
tell him of my life here. My true life. Who I'm actually living with,
the life I've made for myself without his approval.
Although I feel guilty for hiding stuff from him, I
suppose he is better off just knowing I'm happy and not knowing how I
achieved if, I think dad isn't leading a terrific life and even tho I
try to please as much as I can there's so much I do to help another
achieve happiness.
The song's called "煎熬" (Jian Ao) which means torment, excrutiating pain, torturous etc.
心一跳 爱就开始煎熬
At every heart beat, I remember our love.
每一分 每一秒
Every minute every second was torment
火在烧 烧成灰有多
The fire inside me is burning,
How nice would it be if everything turned to ash
叫思念 不要吵
Tell my memories (the feeling of nostalgia) to be quiet
我相信我已经快要
I believe I'm almost ready
快要把你忘掉
Almost ready to forget you
跟寂寞 再和好
And make peace with loneliness
我相信我已经快要
I believe I. Almost ready
是真的我快要
This time I'm sure I'm ready
快要可以微笑 去面对
Ready to smile again, ready to face
下一个 拥抱
The next embrace.
Chinese songs are soooooo meaningful. Unlike English music it hasn't become shitty and full of swear words or repetitive words by stupid young kids :x
Labels: bus, commute, happiness, jian ao, pain, timing, torment, torture, uni
bits of me revealed at ..
7:36 PM.
