Tuesday, March 11, 2014 - [frequent bad dreams. ]
Yesterday I wrote to a friend and said there's many reasons to be
happy. Which I still think is true. But I suppose there's a lot of
reasons to be sad/uneasy too.
The past year, I
mean March 2013-2014. Oddly has been the happiest year so far in my
life but also the period of increased nightmares. My nightmares are all
very similar. 50% of them of me being kidnapped by my ex. A terrible
man. But I understand that's because he was a very controlling person
who dictated what I did every day I was with him. So I suppose having
some nightmares of him is natural. Since I pretty much hate 99% of
his being and he never crosses my mind until I wake up from a nightmare I
think why the fuck are you still haunting me, I don't get why I'd dream of him up til now.
Recently my nightmares have changed a bit. I am being
tortured in most cases and struggling to escape a painful situation.
For example I had a dream recently I was in the hospital bed and
screaming out in pain. Zac was there and he said, it's okay if it really
hurts and I can't take it the doctors can stop it. But I was insistent on continuing
whatever surgery I was doing.
Another time I was being interrogated by some sort
of organization that wanted information that I simply did not have. I
was strapped down and made to eat horrible "truth-telling" food but I
honestly had no clue why I was there and could not produce any info they
wanted and they told me they'd locked up my family and told me my
family was very outraged and disappointed that I had put them in harm.
I was so confused and guilty, I wanted to free them, I didn't want them
to think I caused them harm, WHY WONT ANYONE LISTEN TO ME !? I woke up
in tears from that dream.
Last night I dreamt that I was fired from a job. I
was blackmailed by some other co-workers at a fancy restaurant and how I
had failed to do something. The boss was some how my discipline
mistress in school and she actually whipped me for doing a bad job.
Although I had no recollection of being given certain tasks. But that
dream sorta had a good resolution because I jumped out of the building
and I had some evidence that the restaurant was trying to poison ... The
president or some big shot who was there dining. I was caught again after
jumping out of the building and they were trying to pacify me instead
and trying to bribe me into not exposing them.
I don't know if these dreams are like.. some
premonition telling me about the future or .. whuuut.... ? I also wake
up every single night sweating even if it isn't a bad dream. I don't
know if it's the ventilation or because my body is so stressed from all
the bad dreams. Once I wake up and shift the blanket away and sometimes I
change my clothes because it's soooo soaked in sweat , and go back to
sleep, I stop sweating. In fact I start to feel cold the rest of the
night til I wake up in the morning still feeling cold .
So this... Has been happening very consistently .
Bad dreams, sweating ... Maybe I need to see a doctor psychiatrist or
something. Back to my first sentence,
Me to friend: don't be so sad (: be like me ! I'm so carefree
Zac to same friend: no she's not ! she's the least carefree person ever!
Me: ???? Since when
Zac: you make problems out of everything
Me: I doooo??
Okay
I thought more about that today (once again reflective alone time on
the bus) and .. I don't know what to think now. I do worry about stupid
stuff like what to cook, do I need to go buy ingredients, what should I
wear, should I do something to my hair, what time do I need to wake up.
I'm sure everyone thinks about this kinda trivial
things right, but scarily I spend hours thinking about such things, so
maybe that's causing too much stress on my brain. Yes I actually think
about what to cook. What will I have left to make tomorrow, the most
efficient way to use each ingredient and if I have to go to the nearby
woolies or a particular store in the city or sunnybank for a certain
meal and I think about whether I can buy in bulk and how likely the food
will go off and I honestly think about this for probably 2hours or more
every single day. What about the nutritional value of it. Do I need
more of this food, will zac like this. Is it too repetitive?
I like cooking a lot and I appear so happy doing it but I secretly think and think and think and think a lot about it.
Besides
that I think compared to a normal student, I have a lot more stupid
problems like my weird 2-way broken family, my dad vs my relationship,
sometimes health problems because I'm so bloody weak, sometimes money
problems because I live away from home. Sometimes I naturally get
worried over uni-work .
But all these things are always at the back of head.
I literally wake up each day and think about food and bus timings and
what to wear to uni and almost never worry about those stuff I just mentioned until someone asks me or dad suddenly calls me.
I'm not satisfied with google's answers as to why I get frequent nightmares. Bad diet and anxiety and lack of sleep are really none of the contributing factors I see in myself.
Help? ):
I'm not satisfied with google's answers as to why I get frequent nightmares. Bad diet and anxiety and lack of sleep are really none of the contributing factors I see in myself.
Help? ):
Labels: anxiety, bad dreams, kidnap, nightmares, overthinking, pain, stress, sweating, torture
bits of me revealed at ..
5:51 PM.
Tuesday, June 04, 2013 - [a spontaneous kidnap!]
SO TODAY... was supposed to be productive but it wasn't at all.
but I guess it's okay... because I did beast through my Porfolio and completed it yesterday . Gawdd do I love having the house to myself .. #confessionbear
Not my house, but I love being alone in it, I did two wonderful loads of laundry and cooked and did my assignment solidly for about 5hours... such peace... although I got abit annoyed 'cause mah pAris hoodie burped out orange fluff onto alllll my other clothes )): ... what a chore to flick them all off.
Mm.. was feeling so accomplished after that, that I did absolutely nothing afterwards. D: ... so I decided I would be productive again on Tuesday! But ... it failed very badly.. for everyone!
So I was kidnapped by Zeeeek at about 1am Monday night, but he put it very sweetly so I gladly let myself be taken away and locked up. Zac is beyonddddd cuteee. urghhhh, *pinches face repeatedly* How on earth did I get such a cute guy XD
I'm sooo bad at In The Groove (ITG) that zeeeek was like "how are you failing so much?!" He made me play a level 3 song and I only passed with like 58% jooiiizus I swear there's something wrong with the pads, they don't holddddd~ ):
Meanwhile Lachlan was showering .. I gave up and tried to play some piano
Then it was too late to play arcade machines so we went to play Super Smash Brothers! where everyyyyone was raped by Zeeeeek D: ... sucha cute game I chose Yoshi first round and cried of laughter looking at his fatty pudgy movements. Cilla tried to play Pikachu and it was just .... two of us being retarded XDD
SO ... I did NO study today wheeee, I haz to study tomorrow! By the way, Lachlan left his precious Snoopy towel he had since birth at our place, and being the angel that I am I have washed it and fabric softened it and am currently safeguarding it from ... dust ... lawl .. Cilla's room is pretteh dusty..
Hungry nao .. chowwwwtimeeeee... if there's anything to nom at all ._.
but I guess it's okay... because I did beast through my Porfolio and completed it yesterday . Gawdd do I love having the house to myself .. #confessionbear
Not my house, but I love being alone in it, I did two wonderful loads of laundry and cooked and did my assignment solidly for about 5hours... such peace... although I got abit annoyed 'cause mah pAris hoodie burped out orange fluff onto alllll my other clothes )): ... what a chore to flick them all off.
Mm.. was feeling so accomplished after that, that I did absolutely nothing afterwards. D: ... so I decided I would be productive again on Tuesday! But ... it failed very badly.. for everyone!
So I was kidnapped by Zeeeek at about 1am Monday night, but he put it very sweetly so I gladly let myself be taken away and locked up. Zac is beyonddddd cuteee. urghhhh, *pinches face repeatedly* How on earth did I get such a cute guy XD
Anyway woke up this morning at ... 1pm I think and all plans to wake up at 9am and study were gone .. we went out and bought a new harddisk [: a powered one, yayyyyy I finally have a device that is Mac and PC compatible! WITH NO RESTRICTIONS ON FILE SIZE WOOOOOOOOP ! $180 well spent on 3TB storage.
Shall not have to worry about storage for quite a while~
Alsoooo submitted my assignment XD glad that's outta the way, abit mad though, because I sent my almost done portfolio to Lachlan when I was working on it the day before and told him not to send it to Cilla ... sighhh he sent it to Chino who was helping Cilla write hers this morning.. Nuuuuu, I have to be absolutely selfish in this area because I really don't want another bout of copying and having bad results and stuff, it really annoys me because I did sit down and put in effort and I really want a good grade 'cause I forgot to do peer review for a previous assignment and got heavily penalized from 44 to 36 out of 50. so insane ...
Yes so I would like full credit for the assignment and would highly appreciate zero copying from mine ... abit too late for that I think . Sighhh... nevermind
Then after that, we realized that scumbag Southbank Cineplex had suddenly changed their movie timings from 3.50pm to 5pm and Zac and I decided .... nawwww naht going to watch Hangover 3 today anymore~
Journeyed home and journeyed back out to Sunnybank w Chino and Cilla and had yummmehhh sliced fish soup :DDD ... only lacking in cut chilli .. Y U NO provide chilli you silly Asian place!
D: zac ninja-ly used mah coinz to play the UFO catching machine and ... failed. lawl .
Headed to Lachlan's house to play Pump It Up (PIU) only to be taken over by Chino ): so okay.. time to play with Zac!
I'm sooo bad at In The Groove (ITG) that zeeeek was like "how are you failing so much?!" He made me play a level 3 song and I only passed with like 58% jooiiizus I swear there's something wrong with the pads, they don't holddddd~ ):
Meanwhile Lachlan was showering .. I gave up and tried to play some piano
Then it was too late to play arcade machines so we went to play Super Smash Brothers! where everyyyyone was raped by Zeeeeek D: ... sucha cute game I chose Yoshi first round and cried of laughter looking at his fatty pudgy movements. Cilla tried to play Pikachu and it was just .... two of us being retarded XDD
SO ... I did NO study today wheeee, I haz to study tomorrow! By the way, Lachlan left his precious Snoopy towel he had since birth at our place, and being the angel that I am I have washed it and fabric softened it and am currently safeguarding it from ... dust ... lawl .. Cilla's room is pretteh dusty..
Hungry nao .. chowwwwtimeeeee... if there's anything to nom at all ._.
Labels: HDD, ITG, kidnap, PIU, portfolio, silver steed, spontaneous, super smash brothers
bits of me revealed at ..
11:29 PM.
