Tuesday, March 11, 2014 - [frequent bad dreams. ]
Yesterday I wrote to a friend and said there's many reasons to be
happy. Which I still think is true. But I suppose there's a lot of
reasons to be sad/uneasy too.
The past year, I
mean March 2013-2014. Oddly has been the happiest year so far in my
life but also the period of increased nightmares. My nightmares are all
very similar. 50% of them of me being kidnapped by my ex. A terrible
man. But I understand that's because he was a very controlling person
who dictated what I did every day I was with him. So I suppose having
some nightmares of him is natural. Since I pretty much hate 99% of
his being and he never crosses my mind until I wake up from a nightmare I
think why the fuck are you still haunting me, I don't get why I'd dream of him up til now.
Recently my nightmares have changed a bit. I am being
tortured in most cases and struggling to escape a painful situation.
For example I had a dream recently I was in the hospital bed and
screaming out in pain. Zac was there and he said, it's okay if it really
hurts and I can't take it the doctors can stop it. But I was insistent on continuing
whatever surgery I was doing.
Another time I was being interrogated by some sort
of organization that wanted information that I simply did not have. I
was strapped down and made to eat horrible "truth-telling" food but I
honestly had no clue why I was there and could not produce any info they
wanted and they told me they'd locked up my family and told me my
family was very outraged and disappointed that I had put them in harm.
I was so confused and guilty, I wanted to free them, I didn't want them
to think I caused them harm, WHY WONT ANYONE LISTEN TO ME !? I woke up
in tears from that dream.
Last night I dreamt that I was fired from a job. I
was blackmailed by some other co-workers at a fancy restaurant and how I
had failed to do something. The boss was some how my discipline
mistress in school and she actually whipped me for doing a bad job.
Although I had no recollection of being given certain tasks. But that
dream sorta had a good resolution because I jumped out of the building
and I had some evidence that the restaurant was trying to poison ... The
president or some big shot who was there dining. I was caught again after
jumping out of the building and they were trying to pacify me instead
and trying to bribe me into not exposing them.
I don't know if these dreams are like.. some
premonition telling me about the future or .. whuuut.... ? I also wake
up every single night sweating even if it isn't a bad dream. I don't
know if it's the ventilation or because my body is so stressed from all
the bad dreams. Once I wake up and shift the blanket away and sometimes I
change my clothes because it's soooo soaked in sweat , and go back to
sleep, I stop sweating. In fact I start to feel cold the rest of the
night til I wake up in the morning still feeling cold .
So this... Has been happening very consistently .
Bad dreams, sweating ... Maybe I need to see a doctor psychiatrist or
something. Back to my first sentence,
Me to friend: don't be so sad (: be like me ! I'm so carefree
Zac to same friend: no she's not ! she's the least carefree person ever!
Me: ???? Since when
Zac: you make problems out of everything
Me: I doooo??
Okay
I thought more about that today (once again reflective alone time on
the bus) and .. I don't know what to think now. I do worry about stupid
stuff like what to cook, do I need to go buy ingredients, what should I
wear, should I do something to my hair, what time do I need to wake up.
I'm sure everyone thinks about this kinda trivial
things right, but scarily I spend hours thinking about such things, so
maybe that's causing too much stress on my brain. Yes I actually think
about what to cook. What will I have left to make tomorrow, the most
efficient way to use each ingredient and if I have to go to the nearby
woolies or a particular store in the city or sunnybank for a certain
meal and I think about whether I can buy in bulk and how likely the food
will go off and I honestly think about this for probably 2hours or more
every single day. What about the nutritional value of it. Do I need
more of this food, will zac like this. Is it too repetitive?
I like cooking a lot and I appear so happy doing it but I secretly think and think and think and think a lot about it.
Besides
that I think compared to a normal student, I have a lot more stupid
problems like my weird 2-way broken family, my dad vs my relationship,
sometimes health problems because I'm so bloody weak, sometimes money
problems because I live away from home. Sometimes I naturally get
worried over uni-work .
But all these things are always at the back of head.
I literally wake up each day and think about food and bus timings and
what to wear to uni and almost never worry about those stuff I just mentioned until someone asks me or dad suddenly calls me.
I'm not satisfied with google's answers as to why I get frequent nightmares. Bad diet and anxiety and lack of sleep are really none of the contributing factors I see in myself.
Help? ):
I'm not satisfied with google's answers as to why I get frequent nightmares. Bad diet and anxiety and lack of sleep are really none of the contributing factors I see in myself.
Help? ):
Labels: anxiety, bad dreams, kidnap, nightmares, overthinking, pain, stress, sweating, torture
bits of me revealed at ..
5:51 PM.
