Sunday, July 20, 2014 - [non-existent distant dream. ]
I know I just told myself I would try to write more but I couldn't yesterday because I was out the entire day and I was busy at DFO with probably one of my only friends in Brisbane. A real friend.
That's kinda sad.. one friend. But it's hard having many friends.
It's been a very strange weekend because I'm not used to being alone. At home in Singapore I always have my helper or my sister after she ends school or my brother when he's not at uni. Over here I have Zac and other than going out for gaming with his friends he's always home so I have company.
He's away this weekend at Sydney taking part in ACL Smash Campionship (I really don't know what exactly he's participating in) One day alone.. two days alone .. its fine, it's the 3rd day and he gets back tomorrow. It's weird. I like that the room is mine and I got to clean it .. clean it a hell lot. I got to reorganize the wardrobe and drawers to my liking. I get to use the computer or the TV or any consoles without having to interfere with Zac or him asking me to go do something else because he wants to use a particular console.
It's nice.
But it's also so strange because I suddenly have so much space and time and it's quiet and I'm not used to it at all.
If you're on social media enough you know there's this quote or picture or meme whatever that goes like
"I want a relationship where
*girl's phone vibrates from incoming message*
girl to bf: Babe will you check it for me?"
Apparently nowadays letting your other half see your messages on your phone or Facebook is the highest level of trust attainable. And I have that with Zac.
The only thing is I don't get messages. Barely. From my mom and dad .. from my one friend here and once in a couple months my friends in SG. It kinda makes me feel non-existent. I wish I could do something good, or have a talent or something that could make me not so invisible.
Yes you could say I'm demanding attention. Is it bad to want it?
Whenever I look at kpop music videos and variety shows.. I feel pain. I feel sad. I know it's not easy to be an idol, but it's so unfair that I wasn't at the right time at the right place like they were when they got scouted. I think it's not fair I was locked up for the first 12 years of my life, and I know I sound like a baby and I've whined about this countless times.
Sometimes I look at popular pages on Facebook, and look at famous people posting silly pictures and silly videos and their thousands and thousands of fans say how pretty, how talented how perfect.. they are.
I don't think anyone except ONE person has said I'm perfect. And this guy says it because he's mad about horoscope and he tells every Virgo they're perfect.. XD he's so cute like that.
I don't think he means it the way these fans of celebrities do.
Sometimes I stare at the mirror and think about how life would be if I could have been in the right place at the right time. I look at my features and how my best friend would tell me she likes my eyes and eyelashes. And I look carefully and I think yeah, they are nice. Another of my friend tells me I have such lovely natural curls. Although my hair frustrates 90% of the time I do like it at times. Zac tells me that I have an "impossible" body because he has well.. seen alot of pictures on the internet and he says my body;s proportion is so much better than many people.
Everyone likes compliments right? I smile and shrug or do whatever normal people do when they receive compliments. But you know deep down, I keep thinking.. if that's all true why does no one ever notice me.
For a very very very long time I've wished I could be a model. Specifically a bridal one because who doesn't love gowns. But of course I wouldn't ever turn down being a regular clothes model or underwear model or face model whatever. I've just thought for a really long time.. the silver lining of my awful awful broken mixed-race family is that I got nice features, features I wish I could show the world..
I don't know. Is it too much to ask?
Do I really have no potential?
That's kinda sad.. one friend. But it's hard having many friends.
It's been a very strange weekend because I'm not used to being alone. At home in Singapore I always have my helper or my sister after she ends school or my brother when he's not at uni. Over here I have Zac and other than going out for gaming with his friends he's always home so I have company.
He's away this weekend at Sydney taking part in ACL Smash Campionship (I really don't know what exactly he's participating in) One day alone.. two days alone .. its fine, it's the 3rd day and he gets back tomorrow. It's weird. I like that the room is mine and I got to clean it .. clean it a hell lot. I got to reorganize the wardrobe and drawers to my liking. I get to use the computer or the TV or any consoles without having to interfere with Zac or him asking me to go do something else because he wants to use a particular console.
It's nice.
But it's also so strange because I suddenly have so much space and time and it's quiet and I'm not used to it at all.
If you're on social media enough you know there's this quote or picture or meme whatever that goes like
"I want a relationship where
*girl's phone vibrates from incoming message*
girl to bf: Babe will you check it for me?"
Apparently nowadays letting your other half see your messages on your phone or Facebook is the highest level of trust attainable. And I have that with Zac.
The only thing is I don't get messages. Barely. From my mom and dad .. from my one friend here and once in a couple months my friends in SG. It kinda makes me feel non-existent. I wish I could do something good, or have a talent or something that could make me not so invisible.
Yes you could say I'm demanding attention. Is it bad to want it?
Whenever I look at kpop music videos and variety shows.. I feel pain. I feel sad. I know it's not easy to be an idol, but it's so unfair that I wasn't at the right time at the right place like they were when they got scouted. I think it's not fair I was locked up for the first 12 years of my life, and I know I sound like a baby and I've whined about this countless times.
Sometimes I look at popular pages on Facebook, and look at famous people posting silly pictures and silly videos and their thousands and thousands of fans say how pretty, how talented how perfect.. they are.
I don't think anyone except ONE person has said I'm perfect. And this guy says it because he's mad about horoscope and he tells every Virgo they're perfect.. XD he's so cute like that.
I don't think he means it the way these fans of celebrities do.
Sometimes I stare at the mirror and think about how life would be if I could have been in the right place at the right time. I look at my features and how my best friend would tell me she likes my eyes and eyelashes. And I look carefully and I think yeah, they are nice. Another of my friend tells me I have such lovely natural curls. Although my hair frustrates 90% of the time I do like it at times. Zac tells me that I have an "impossible" body because he has well.. seen alot of pictures on the internet and he says my body;s proportion is so much better than many people.
Everyone likes compliments right? I smile and shrug or do whatever normal people do when they receive compliments. But you know deep down, I keep thinking.. if that's all true why does no one ever notice me.
For a very very very long time I've wished I could be a model. Specifically a bridal one because who doesn't love gowns. But of course I wouldn't ever turn down being a regular clothes model or underwear model or face model whatever. I've just thought for a really long time.. the silver lining of my awful awful broken mixed-race family is that I got nice features, features I wish I could show the world..
I don't know. Is it too much to ask?
Do I really have no potential?
Labels: 2014, acl, beauty, dream, friends, invisible, model, non-existent, relationship, scout, super smash brothers, sydney, talents
bits of me revealed at ..
12:05 PM.
Sunday, March 23, 2014 - [Juno 7 years and now]
I was in 15 in 2007.
I watched Juno with
my best friend back then, Pamela. I was bored by it. All I remember is that I
disliked Jennifer Garners face and her expressions. Somehow I always see her
playing uptight, paranoid, unreasonable characters, and it annoys me. I guess I'm being unfair
to hate an actor because of their face and their expressions while they're actually trying really hard. Anyhow, I'm sure many people hate actors
for stupid shallow reasons like me.
I watched it again last night, as part of film homework. The movie suddenly meant a lot more to me and moved it.
Actually,
it's strange how easy it is for me to get emotional. I cry far more
easily than I ever did before. I cried watching the end of dragonballz
when Bulma and Chi Chi got to see their sons again. Wut. I felt very sad
for Pam too when Goku was leaving. I didn't even grow up with the show,
neither did I wait patiently for the next episodes release. I watched
the entire DBZ in about 2months, I didn't even require the frustration
of waiting for new seasons or the anticipation of watching it each
morning like other kids did to enjoy the show and appreciate it .
I feel like my younger self is exactly like Juno,
especially when she thinks that everyone old should be a automatically a
parent. I took a long time to understand this world and be aware of
things and think about what I want to do in life. And just like Jennifer in the show, all I really
wanted is to be a mom.
I've done stupid things in my life and perhaps I can
relate to Juno more than a typical girl my age. I feel scared after
watching this movie now. What if something happens and I can't have kids
some day. What if my husband leaves me at a critical time. What if I
don't ever get married. I've spent years of dreaming of being a mom and I
kid you not, planning what to say to them and planning the kind of life I
would give them. It's really my purpose of living - to give life.
Unfortunately I'm very .. Traditional and set in my
mind now that I definitely want to be a mom before 30 or latest at 30.
If some weird events happen that hinder my path to being a parent at 30,
I feel like I would lose all motivation to live. ._. Idk, very confused
and even alittle upset from watching Juno. Ugh.
But it's good. I didn't think it was nice in 2007. I definitely like it now, except for the soundtrack :/
Labels: dream, jennifer garner, juno, mom, parenting
bits of me revealed at ..
10:16 AM.
Friday, November 15, 2013 - [much pee]
Today shall be a resting day :3 ... don't know why I feel so tired despite sleeping about 10hours already XDDD.
I had a very weird dream tho ._. I drank a big mug of milo before bed and I was too lazy to go pee then, so I just plopped into bed and slept. In my dream I was living in a big house with about 10 other people and there was only one toilet in the whole compound. There was one guy, who looked like my two friends from the Athletics Club in high school, MinZhang and MingLiang. So this guy was a combination of them and he's bedroom was next to the toilet.
So I had this giant urge to pee the entire dream and I had to wait for the 10 other people to pee and it was finally my turn and I tried so hard to pee but I couldn't. I was in great pain QQ. Subconsciously I was aware I had to get up and pee but I somehow didn't wake up.. I sat in the toilet crying because my bladder hurt and I couldn't pee ): ... Suddenly the time just jumped a few days and the guy, let's call him X, he was moving out. I didn't know why, didn't recognize other housemates either, except this X vaguely from my high school. So he was moving and everyone was sad, and suddenly my coach, Mr. Tan Kim Chuan (KC) was there, and he was rounding up all the other athletes for a farewell dinner.
So I went to the dining room with this giant round table and everyone was there and I suddenly had to pee again! So I dashed off to the toilet and once again I could not pee. @@" ... I didn't want to leave without peeing this time so I stayed in there. I heard voices calling my name, looking for me to join the feast and I screamed noooooo, go ahead without me. I heard KC saying it's a ritual and everyone had to be there.
They burst down the walls of the toilet and I was there on the floor next to the toilet bowl pants-less and crying.
I tried to crawl into a corner and I felt sooooo embarrassed and they were all trying to pick me up and I screamed and had saliva dripping out and tears rolling down my face while I clutched my stomach and ...
from a painful dream and grabbed my face. Thank god, no drool or tears and dashed off to pee! :P
Lesson learnt, better pee before sleeping next time.
Kay, so back to why I'm tired today, must be 'cause I was bending over so much yesterday while sawing wood and cutting foam and filing and drilling :3 Here's a sneak peek of yesterday's progress with the Scythe. I intend to upload a very detailed tutorial about it, but I'm probably almost half done. Still alot of work to do!
It poured heavily yesterday so this photo is taken awkwardly with the Scythe on my lap and it's still sitting in the car :3 I'll work on it more tonight maybe~
BYE!
I had a very weird dream tho ._. I drank a big mug of milo before bed and I was too lazy to go pee then, so I just plopped into bed and slept. In my dream I was living in a big house with about 10 other people and there was only one toilet in the whole compound. There was one guy, who looked like my two friends from the Athletics Club in high school, MinZhang and MingLiang. So this guy was a combination of them and he's bedroom was next to the toilet.
So I went to the dining room with this giant round table and everyone was there and I suddenly had to pee again! So I dashed off to the toilet and once again I could not pee. @@" ... I didn't want to leave without peeing this time so I stayed in there. I heard voices calling my name, looking for me to join the feast and I screamed noooooo, go ahead without me. I heard KC saying it's a ritual and everyone had to be there.
They burst down the walls of the toilet and I was there on the floor next to the toilet bowl pants-less and crying.
I tried to crawl into a corner and I felt sooooo embarrassed and they were all trying to pick me up and I screamed and had saliva dripping out and tears rolling down my face while I clutched my stomach and ...
I WOKE UP!
from a painful dream and grabbed my face. Thank god, no drool or tears and dashed off to pee! :P
Lesson learnt, better pee before sleeping next time.
Kay, so back to why I'm tired today, must be 'cause I was bending over so much yesterday while sawing wood and cutting foam and filing and drilling :3 Here's a sneak peek of yesterday's progress with the Scythe. I intend to upload a very detailed tutorial about it, but I'm probably almost half done. Still alot of work to do!
It poured heavily yesterday so this photo is taken awkwardly with the Scythe on my lap and it's still sitting in the car :3 I'll work on it more tonight maybe~
BYE!
Labels: cosplay, dream, high school, pee, prop, scythe
bits of me revealed at ..
9:49 AM.
