Sunday, July 20, 2014 - [non-existent distant dream. ]
I know I just told myself I would try to write more but I couldn't yesterday because I was out the entire day and I was busy at DFO with probably one of my only friends in Brisbane. A real friend.
That's kinda sad.. one friend. But it's hard having many friends.
It's been a very strange weekend because I'm not used to being alone. At home in Singapore I always have my helper or my sister after she ends school or my brother when he's not at uni. Over here I have Zac and other than going out for gaming with his friends he's always home so I have company.
He's away this weekend at Sydney taking part in ACL Smash Campionship (I really don't know what exactly he's participating in) One day alone.. two days alone .. its fine, it's the 3rd day and he gets back tomorrow. It's weird. I like that the room is mine and I got to clean it .. clean it a hell lot. I got to reorganize the wardrobe and drawers to my liking. I get to use the computer or the TV or any consoles without having to interfere with Zac or him asking me to go do something else because he wants to use a particular console.
It's nice.
But it's also so strange because I suddenly have so much space and time and it's quiet and I'm not used to it at all.
If you're on social media enough you know there's this quote or picture or meme whatever that goes like
"I want a relationship where
*girl's phone vibrates from incoming message*
girl to bf: Babe will you check it for me?"
Apparently nowadays letting your other half see your messages on your phone or Facebook is the highest level of trust attainable. And I have that with Zac.
The only thing is I don't get messages. Barely. From my mom and dad .. from my one friend here and once in a couple months my friends in SG. It kinda makes me feel non-existent. I wish I could do something good, or have a talent or something that could make me not so invisible.
Yes you could say I'm demanding attention. Is it bad to want it?
Whenever I look at kpop music videos and variety shows.. I feel pain. I feel sad. I know it's not easy to be an idol, but it's so unfair that I wasn't at the right time at the right place like they were when they got scouted. I think it's not fair I was locked up for the first 12 years of my life, and I know I sound like a baby and I've whined about this countless times.
Sometimes I look at popular pages on Facebook, and look at famous people posting silly pictures and silly videos and their thousands and thousands of fans say how pretty, how talented how perfect.. they are.
I don't think anyone except ONE person has said I'm perfect. And this guy says it because he's mad about horoscope and he tells every Virgo they're perfect.. XD he's so cute like that.
I don't think he means it the way these fans of celebrities do.
Sometimes I stare at the mirror and think about how life would be if I could have been in the right place at the right time. I look at my features and how my best friend would tell me she likes my eyes and eyelashes. And I look carefully and I think yeah, they are nice. Another of my friend tells me I have such lovely natural curls. Although my hair frustrates 90% of the time I do like it at times. Zac tells me that I have an "impossible" body because he has well.. seen alot of pictures on the internet and he says my body;s proportion is so much better than many people.
Everyone likes compliments right? I smile and shrug or do whatever normal people do when they receive compliments. But you know deep down, I keep thinking.. if that's all true why does no one ever notice me.
For a very very very long time I've wished I could be a model. Specifically a bridal one because who doesn't love gowns. But of course I wouldn't ever turn down being a regular clothes model or underwear model or face model whatever. I've just thought for a really long time.. the silver lining of my awful awful broken mixed-race family is that I got nice features, features I wish I could show the world..
I don't know. Is it too much to ask?
Do I really have no potential?
That's kinda sad.. one friend. But it's hard having many friends.
It's been a very strange weekend because I'm not used to being alone. At home in Singapore I always have my helper or my sister after she ends school or my brother when he's not at uni. Over here I have Zac and other than going out for gaming with his friends he's always home so I have company.
He's away this weekend at Sydney taking part in ACL Smash Campionship (I really don't know what exactly he's participating in) One day alone.. two days alone .. its fine, it's the 3rd day and he gets back tomorrow. It's weird. I like that the room is mine and I got to clean it .. clean it a hell lot. I got to reorganize the wardrobe and drawers to my liking. I get to use the computer or the TV or any consoles without having to interfere with Zac or him asking me to go do something else because he wants to use a particular console.
It's nice.
But it's also so strange because I suddenly have so much space and time and it's quiet and I'm not used to it at all.
If you're on social media enough you know there's this quote or picture or meme whatever that goes like
"I want a relationship where
*girl's phone vibrates from incoming message*
girl to bf: Babe will you check it for me?"
Apparently nowadays letting your other half see your messages on your phone or Facebook is the highest level of trust attainable. And I have that with Zac.
The only thing is I don't get messages. Barely. From my mom and dad .. from my one friend here and once in a couple months my friends in SG. It kinda makes me feel non-existent. I wish I could do something good, or have a talent or something that could make me not so invisible.
Yes you could say I'm demanding attention. Is it bad to want it?
Whenever I look at kpop music videos and variety shows.. I feel pain. I feel sad. I know it's not easy to be an idol, but it's so unfair that I wasn't at the right time at the right place like they were when they got scouted. I think it's not fair I was locked up for the first 12 years of my life, and I know I sound like a baby and I've whined about this countless times.
Sometimes I look at popular pages on Facebook, and look at famous people posting silly pictures and silly videos and their thousands and thousands of fans say how pretty, how talented how perfect.. they are.
I don't think anyone except ONE person has said I'm perfect. And this guy says it because he's mad about horoscope and he tells every Virgo they're perfect.. XD he's so cute like that.
I don't think he means it the way these fans of celebrities do.
Sometimes I stare at the mirror and think about how life would be if I could have been in the right place at the right time. I look at my features and how my best friend would tell me she likes my eyes and eyelashes. And I look carefully and I think yeah, they are nice. Another of my friend tells me I have such lovely natural curls. Although my hair frustrates 90% of the time I do like it at times. Zac tells me that I have an "impossible" body because he has well.. seen alot of pictures on the internet and he says my body;s proportion is so much better than many people.
Everyone likes compliments right? I smile and shrug or do whatever normal people do when they receive compliments. But you know deep down, I keep thinking.. if that's all true why does no one ever notice me.
For a very very very long time I've wished I could be a model. Specifically a bridal one because who doesn't love gowns. But of course I wouldn't ever turn down being a regular clothes model or underwear model or face model whatever. I've just thought for a really long time.. the silver lining of my awful awful broken mixed-race family is that I got nice features, features I wish I could show the world..
I don't know. Is it too much to ask?
Do I really have no potential?
Labels: 2014, acl, beauty, dream, friends, invisible, model, non-existent, relationship, scout, super smash brothers, sydney, talents
bits of me revealed at ..
12:05 PM.
