Sunday, October 14, 2012 - [plan for SG.]
it is 1am, and I am well aware that I have a day at QUT news in the morning starting from 8am til 4pm and I will be sorely regretting not sleeping right now, but I really can't. It seems my posts are getting really depressing. what has happened to me?
The more I think about it, the less I look
forward to home. Singapore only means more problems. Perhaps the peace
and emptiness of Australia is actually better than fleeting happiness,
unnecessary drama and torment back home.
Being here, I'm in a state of zen-ness, besides money I hardly have much to worry. Of course I fret over schoolwork sometimes, but I manage to get by thankfully. I have alot of time to do alot of other useful things sadly, it's the money. I sorely want to go for dance classes but can't afford it, there's also facilities to learn horse-riding which can't be done at home and it's all about the money money money.
I wish I had a lot of money, who doesn't?
These days I just keep thinking of the how the days will be in Singapore. Originally I couldn't wait to go home. Now I'm just.. floating along with life. Sure, I won't fear being cold or foodless, I won't have to worry about laundry for 3 months. I won't have to pay for internet either.
But I have to force myself to be with my stepmother, and her superficiality .. I have a strict curfew which makes me very unwilling to go anywhere at all.. I would like to work, but I also wouldn't because work is tiring and it's my holiday I should be enjoying but I know at this moment that I won't be.
I'm not being pessimistic on purpose, I know very well how life will turn out to be. I thought I would be happy, I have my old friends, and my new friends here going home. I thought I could go back for dance classes, I thought I could have happy sleepovers and a happy reunion with my classmates.
None of that will happen, because firstly I am ill.
Secondly my dad has thrown me that curfew and I'm pretty sure he won't give me allowance in SG so I won't be able to go out actually because.. well you need money to go anywhere.
I know my two lovely friends will be busy with school and another very devoted to her boyfriend so she will mostly be unavailable. My own boy is too, very busy and usually tense and I do feel it is better to leave him alone than face his tempers when something goes wrong.
So I've thought of an alternative. I will resume exercising because I will have a free pool at my house, and I will go to a gym to run. I do hope my father will fund me to go for cooking class because I do not wish to exceed curfew and incur his wrath. I will ask nicely and hope he is willing to pay for it. I believe the chances of him saying yes is about 20% at the moment. If he doesn't agree I will have to buy my own ingredients and download recipes and make a mess of the kitchen and waste alot more money buying ingredients, maybe he will change his mind then.
I know it sounds evil, but I fully intend to be uncooperative and very quiet when I go home. Oh yes, I will play the piano too why not. Just make some noise and exercise my fingers. So holiday in SG
1. hospital
2. cooking
3. swimming and gym
4. piano
what next..
we have a lovely BBQ pit, but I know my father dislikes my friends so I shan't invite them, why cause trouble to myself.
Hopefully my treatment goes well and I won't be sick anymore, in 2013 2014 and 2015 I won't have a reason to go home anymore. I think I sound like someone who's given up on life, but it's fine. I hope my parents are happy, knowing I'm unhappy and wasting my life away.
In a better world,
my dad will not give me a curfew, my dad will permit cooking classes, my dad will not pressure me to work, my dad will also not pressure me to interact with my stepmom, my dad will stop being racist and accept my chinese friends.
in a better world,
the people of Australia will be kind and give me a job because i genuinely want to and am very free and would love to work here.
in a better world,
I will not be sick so I don't have to worry and suffer these few months.
The world will probably not get better, but what can I do? I'm just another pawn in God's game. I really want to die and meet him and ask why I was given such a life. A life that I find most challenging, yet some might envy, and definitely some who look down on.
Labels: better world, cooking, curfew, depressed, gym, home, money, sick, stepmother
bits of me revealed at ..
11:27 PM.
