Saturday, February 08, 2014 - [just a little bit unwell]
Here's yet another
post written on the train. I've decided to add a little player, so
maybe if you listen to it while you read you can feel my mood as I was
typing this because this wass playing and it inspired the post.
Today's post is slightly depressing. Some of you who
have me on Facebook know that I've recently decided to use my remaining
time In SG to rejoin my former job as a skating coach. And yes I've
been very excited and teaching is a fulfilling job and I do love this
job despite having to yell at kids and try to control all the overly
excited children and prevent them from rolling away. Some of them are
stubborn, some are too afraid to stand, some think they're overly
skilled and ignore instructions and refuse to learn our techniques
It's actually a very demanding job so don't think
it's all fun and good money. It's well deserved money especially when I
travel over an hour to the school and another long trip home carrying
sweat soaked clothes and a bulky pair of skates every day .
Recently there's something that's bothering me a
lot. Which is my declining health. I don't know what's causing it but
I've had insane insomnia for many nights. I'm exhausted I can't open my
eyes yet I can't fall asleep in bed. I clear my mind and stare at the
ceiling from dusk to dawn. I literally lie on my side and listen to the
sound of my fan, the sound of my brother locking his door at 1am or so
to sleep, the sound of cars and buses slowly diminishing. Then I hear
nothing for a long time, and the birds start chirping,the doors 2floors
down open and my helper gets up to make breakfast for the family and I
hear them get up and go to work and school and then I still.. Lie awake
listening to the construction site beside my house roar to life. My eyes
adjust to the darkness easily and the room slowly gets flooded with
light and the world is awake.
Insomnia is not a fresh problem. It's come and gone
many times in my life. Lately each day I carry water with me, which I
never used to. But in the year I've had 3-4 instances of blacking out in
public. It's frightening. Just walking and I start to get dizzy and
within 20seconds I completely lose vision and lose balance and
collapse.
Do you know how that feels.
The
feeling of helplessness. I open my eyes and see nothing but white
noise. I blink and flail my arms but I can't feel anything. If I manage
to sit up I'll feel nauseous. I'm just disabled for a while until
someone comes and picks me up.
On my first day of skating after about an hour in
the sun, I felt it. The sudden dizziness and loss of balance, my vision
goes blur, I immediately crouched down and removed my skates. I just
just kneeling down staring at the ground hoping I don't black out then .
The kids are there .
They're staring at me .
I feel awful .
I feel helpless .
I want to cry.
The kids think I've fallen down and ask if I'm alright, I can't speak or I'll throw up. I just sit down and remove my skates and the other coach stares at me from afar and commands the children away from me.
The kids are there .
They're staring at me .
I feel awful .
I feel helpless .
I want to cry.
The kids think I've fallen down and ask if I'm alright, I can't speak or I'll throw up. I just sit down and remove my skates and the other coach stares at me from afar and commands the children away from me.
My boss sees me in the corner removing my skates in
the middle of a lesson and I can't even look up at him to explain. I
feel so embarrassed and humiliated that I can't conduct my job
properly.
Today I survived my lesson. I forewarned the other
coaches I might faint and tell them to immediately take over the lesson
if I suddenly stop moving. Although I complete the lesson smoothly, the
feeling came to me again in the van. It might have been the squeeze to
sit with racks of sweaty skates and trays of sweaty gears and that the two front passengers were smoking but I felt so sick and weak as soon as I got out. I could not stand up straight again and I immediately drank many gulps of water before moving again.
People worry about being punctual, being well-dressed for a job, worry about their higher-ups but I .. have a different kind of worry to surpass it all. Just worrying if I'll even be conscious and able to move. -______-
Really. The best gift in life is good health. Those with health problems surely can understand me and how scary it is and how great an inconvenience it is.
People worry about being punctual, being well-dressed for a job, worry about their higher-ups but I .. have a different kind of worry to surpass it all. Just worrying if I'll even be conscious and able to move. -______-
Really. The best gift in life is good health. Those with health problems surely can understand me and how scary it is and how great an inconvenience it is.
Labels: blacked out, controlling, health, insomnia, job, kids, skating, techniques, unwell
bits of me revealed at ..
10:11 PM.
