Sunday, February 16, 2014 - [when we parted.]
Hi it's me again.
Once again I'm typing
this in the middle of the night on my iPad, lying in bed but you don't
need to know that :p I realize my posts have been pretty dull without
pictures and just words words and my personal thoughts, but hey life
isn't colourful every day anyway .
Can't sleep yet tonight, well I haven't tried very
hard, just laid in bed for 10minutes and rolled over to start typing
already hahhh.. Probs just abit excited because I'm heading back to aus
soooon. Meeting my mom for the last time this trip tomorrow and some
friends I know from brizzy are flying in tmr evening. Dads also leaving
in the morning for 4days so I'll be pretty free haha ~
I don't know why I feel embarrassed now about what
I'm about to type hahh *nervous laughter* its a personal thing and I
want to record this down. Although it's sorta a jittery feeling and it's
hard to pen down maybe in a few months I'd have forgotten the feeling
already but it's so clear in my memory now .
The morning I left Brisbane. Oh what a morning.
Couldn't sleep and forcefully stayed up wishing the time wouldn't come.
The drive to the airport, wishing there would a jam making me miss my
flight but it was the smoothest trip ever XD. Wishing the flight was
cancelled when I got there. Nope.
I remember it so clearly now. Me guessing the
luggage weight was 12kg and Zac guessed 11.4kg and it was 16. Him
pouring out the coins from his pockets into his cap and taking out his
phone and keys and a million other little metallic objects. Me
struggling along taking out the laptop and iPad and hard disk cables .
Putting it all back together and
grabbing some food. Zac forcing me to eat the chicken wrap which was my
first time eating at Red Rooster :3 wasn't that great haha, tastes like
BurgerKing here in SG. Then the solemn walk to the departure gates where
we had to do this again.
The first time I left brisbane in July for a short
trip he looked around so nervously and said "there's soooo many people"
and I just laughed at his silly shyness. This time he also looked around
but just grabbed me close anyway.
The goodbye kiss was really one of a kind.
It was so
soft and lingering I could feel his reluctance and his guilt in it. At the same time I could feel him pouring all his love into it.
Guilt because we both didn't want me to go but I had to sort out my
citizenship. We both knew why. But why ! Why must I go ! It's the
holidays ! It's so unfair. It was a selfish thought,
but I didn't mind. I would have stayed if I could. I knew I would cry so I pulled away and waved
and tried to join the queue as fast I could.
I thought that's it. Won't see him for 7weeks.
I got
through immigration swiftly and realized there's a big window to look
back into the 'lounge area' . I didn't see him . And then the rain
started. Ahahhh I feel so silly now . Thinking about it is making me
tear a little but it's tears of happiness now because it's almost over. All this while I keep
thinking it's me, it's me who's the "bigger person" in our
relationships. It's me who takes care of him and I who want to make big
decisions. But tonight, just lying here and thinking, I suddenly see
what a big part he plays. He does it Very subtly (? Subtle-ly) but it's
there. His little acts of concern and sometimes big acts ( like the
ridiculous prank i pulled and I thought he's going to hit me for sure ) There's so much I couldn't have done alone.
I think I'm abit too happy and emotional to sleep now hah.. Just feeling a wave of blessedness (does that word even exist)
Once
upon a time, when we had just begun, my life had taken a huge turn. I
had a chain of bad events in a short few months until him. I laid beside
him feeling giddy with happiness and said
"you're the best thing that's ever happened to me"
He didn't reply
After
some stalking his chat logs tho, I found a pretty unsatisfactory answer
XD I supposed he had been overwhelmed himself by his own chain of
events and he's immediate thought was .... <s> I don't know if I'm allowed
to disclose this </s> haha but it was such a bastard thing to say really XD.
Imma tell you anyway,
"She said I'm the best thing that happened to her.
At that moment, I suddenly felt like saying Im not looking for a
relationship, just to see her reaction. I don't know why. I just wanted
to say it. "
Of course he got his dose of slaps and pouts from me XD
You are the best thing that's happened to me.
Is that sad ?
Is
it sad that I've lived a life not knowing what love is until I met you
and your family. Maybe you don't feel it because they're always there. I
feel it. And I am awfully jealous.
Is it sad that we have a terribly simple life together and I say it's the best I ever had?
Is it sad that I haven't told my parents about you and told them how happy I am? (Because I'm afraid they'll take it away)
I suppose you'll never know true happiness without sadness.
Labels: airport, goodbye, kiss, last days, leaving brisbane, returning, the best thing, zac
bits of me revealed at ..
1:07 AM.
