To my surprise everyone I e-mailed responded of which three of them even proposed to hook up for a lunch or coffee sometime. At first I decided not to meet any of these but having had another think about it, I thought.. "hey, this could turn out to be an epic Xanga post!" (You know you're addicted to Xanga when you do something purely to post it...)

So, of the three I picked out the most attractive one. Her name was Natasha, 23 years of age, of Asian descent and had moved over to England from Mounty Land (Canada) about 2 years ago. She worked for a legal firm as a trainee, has a younger sister and two loving parents!

We eventually exchanged words via the MSN technology (which by the way owns AIM): -

rT: Hey, Natasha!
Nat: hi
rT: It's nice to finally "meet" you, sort of... What are you up to?
Nat: nothin much
rT: So umm, you're a trainee at a law firm eh? how's that going for ya?
Nat: yea

Brain: - Certainly not the most talk-a-tive person in the world... This might be a bad idea after all...
Xanga Penis: - but in order to provide Xanga readers with entertainment.. You shall soldier on.
Brain: - Fine....

rT: Well, I'm an aspiring novelist and journalist. I hope to release my first book early of next year.

No, I'm not really. I wasn't prepared to tell her about the 'real' rT incase she turned out to be some nutty stalker, freak hoe.

Nat: ooooo flashy! so have you ever written for a porno?!
rT: Haha, sadly no.
Nat: oh, too bad. i'd of let you photograph me if i could be in one!

Xanga Penis: - Shaaa-wingggg! A girl letting you shoot her nekkid is certainly worth +2 eprops, a mini and a rec!

*fast forward after a few more hours of my bullshit, you know all the song and dance routine etc. etc.*

rT: So, when would you like to hang out for a cup of coffee or lunch or something?
Nat: how about tomorrow?
rT: bit eager are we?!
Nat: hell no! you sound pretty awesome and i want to grab you before someone else does!
rT: Hahaha, don't flatter me..

Brain: - Ok.. she sounds a bit.. iffy..
Xanga Penis: - what the hell just take her for a spin! Content is more important!
Brain: - Fine...

So we arrange to meet outside a Star Bucks. I got there a few minutes early so I just stood around on the lookout. Soon enough Natasha turned up in a white medium long jacket coupled with a beret and scarf. She was well dressed nor were the pictures she sent me mis-leading. She was rather attractive.

Brain: - Maybe this won't be too bad after all.
Xanga Penis: - Feeeeeel my Jedi Powerssss!

"Hey Natasha, nice to meet you!"

She initiates a hug. It's nice. I like affection. "Hey, you too. Where would you like to go for lunch?"

Brain: - Canadian accent oh la la!

"What'd you fancy?"

"Anything really, I'm not fussed"

Brain: - Hmm... Surely, you must have some opinion on what you'd like to eat..
Xanga Penis: - content content content content eprops eprops eprops eprops recs recs recs!

"Well.. is there anything you won't eat? not a vegetarian or anything? cause, I'll eat just about anyth...-"

She cuts me off "Fine! We'll eat at fucking McDonald's! Everyone'll be happy!"

"Whoa....what? I just....wait-"

"Oh God, I'm so sorry. I just.....erm.. I've had a crappy day..."

".... Well, really.. there's no need to take it out on me..."

"I wasn't taking it out on you! God, what is it with guys and---"

"Woah-woah-woahhhhhh, chill out.... You sort of did kinda take it out on me, but if you're really having a bad day then let me try and cheer you up-"

"Don't you tell me to chill out! who the fuck do you think you are?! You don't know what the fuck I'm going through!"

By this point I was already desperately fighting myself to not just turn and Ussain Bolt it out of there. But again, Xanga Penis reared its ugly head.

I looked up at the sky in hope of some divine intervention and turned back to the now red faced fuming Natasha. I slowly began stepping away from her... I started to get a bit scared that she was about to whip a knife out on me or something...

"...how about if we maybe just cancel this whole thing? I mean, it's obvious that---"

She grabs my jacket and pulls me towards her. "No.. please don't leave me! don't leave me alone!" She buries herself into my jacket and puts her right thumb in her mouth.

"Eh?!...hold up.. please---please don't do this. Come on now.... We'll have a good time, and we'll forget that this ever happened, alright?"

Seriously.. I'm far from gay but.. at that very moment I'd rather be on a date with a guy than her...

*fast forward a bit more*

We went to this bar / cafe which do killer sandwiches, however, Natasha has painstakingly removed each item from her BLT, and started arranging the ingredients in alphabetical order on her plate. My turkey sandwich, still all in one piece, tastes all the better, for some reason.

"Hey, are you actually going to eat your what-use to be known as a sandwich?" I tried to say this in the least patronizing way.

She shoots me a death glare "Yes. Jack thought it was cute when I did this"

"Jack?"

She looks out the window and says "my ex"

Brain: - .... bitch is on a date and talking about an ex?! I'm a rebound board now eh?!
Xanga Penis: - Dish ish gettin interesting yo! keep it up!

"Oh. That's pretty funny...."

"What's funny?"

"The fact that I'm not Jack?"

She didn't say a word for the rest of the meal. It was quite awkward having to sit there for a good 10 minutes in complete silence. I was frantically checking the time and by this point thinking up of ways to get the fuck out of there. I didn't want to just do one cause, I'm just not that kind of guy =P

When we finally finished our lunch, we walked out the bar / cafe. I decided to just call the date to an end.

"Well Nat, it was nice meeting...- "

She cocks her head and smiles devilishly. "Take a walk with me?"

Brain: - No.... Say no. Just say, "No thanks. I need to go home and play Warcraft" Say, "You're nuts," and run awayyyyyyy. Do NOT take a walk with this girl. Do you hear me? Hello?!?!
Xanga Penis: - JEDDIIIII MIND TRICK POWARRRRRRRRR

"Umm sure. Where to?"

Brain: - Dumb ass.
Xanga Penis: - Xanga Penis 10 - 0 Brain

"Just around town"

"As in the town we're in now?"

"NOOOOOOOO fuckface a fucking town in Canada! Where'd you think?! GODDDD!!"

She storms on ahead.

Brain: - Here's my chance! fuck you Xanga penis!
Xanga Penis: - *gagged*

I take my chance, turn on my heels, and walk in the opposite direction. I don't need this. What I need is to play a bit more World of Warcraft.

Sure enough, I hear her feet hitting the pavement in my direction. I quicken my pace, delaying the inevitable feel of her desperate hands on my jacket again.

Yank!

Xanga Penis: - MUWAHAHAHAHAHA this is yo destiny!
Brain: - ...............

"Where you going? Don't leave me! I'm a good person. Honestly, I'm a good person . . . "

"Wtf... chill out and let go man..."

"Please don't leave me..." She caresses my face and leans in for a kiss. I pull away in the nick of time!

Now, I'm not a person to normally refuse kisses from attractive girls... for me to refuse one.. there has to be something seriously wrong.. like gee... she was psychotic?!

She gives me a sympathetic and pained look then walks away.

Brain: - Go home, Go home, Go home, Go home, Go home!
Xanga Penis: - CONTEEEENNNNNTTTTTT!

I shrug and decide to follow her. Why? ask Xanga Penis...

Xanga Penis: - It promised to be an entertaining jaunt!

*Fast-forward*

We're sitting on a bench by the river. Her head is on my shoulder and she takes my hand. "Jack and I used to walk a long a river all of the time."

"Uh-huh," I say, whilst checking out some fat kid trying to fish.

"Jack and I had a fantastic time together."

"I'm sure you did" I mutter, now watching an attractive blonde walk past.

"Jack and I fucked behind under that bridge over there."

I stand up.

"Hey, Natasha, guess what?"

"What?"

"You're a fucking skitso!"

Brain: - enough is enough.. time to take charge! and end this shit! *Brain kills off Xanga Penis!*

She stands up, comes right into my face, and screams, "I'm the nicest fucking girl you'll ever fucking meet! All I've done today is treat you like a fucking king!"

Calmly, I stepped back and said.. "I think that you should take a chill pill"

"How dare you fucking take me out and treat me like---"

"I think that you should take a chill pill"

"Fuck you and fuck your chill pill bullshit!"

"I think that you should take a chill pill"

I think I hit a nerve by repeating the same thing three times....

She raises her hand to give me a slap to the face but because I'm so agile and shit I block it!

Brain: - BOOYAHH REFLEXES BISH!

"I think that you should take a chill pill"

"YOU.FUCKING.DICKHEAD.I.HATE.YOU.SO.MUCH.JACK!"

"I think that you should take a chill..-- huh?!?!?!?! What now?!"

She tries to come at me again... but I just went *m33p m33p* and road runner'd it out of there.

She screamed and started giving chase but I'm rT and use to run for school and county back in my younger days therefore much faster than some chick from horseback mountain! I lose her easily as I head home. I login to World of Warcraft and started my levelling spree.

Epilogue:

Nat: hey? you there?
Nat: i'm sosososososoooooooooooooo sorry
Nat: please can we meet up and talk about this?.. please?...
rT: Jack told me he broke up with you because you wouldn't take a chill pill.

*delete and blocked*

And that kids, is why I think online dating websites fail and yes, all Xangans have a Xanga Penis!

Labels: LOL. hilarious date.