Monday, September 17, 2012 - [the bar has been set.]
you know what love is? It's a very annoying and unavoidable thing in our lives. If you're a bachelor or a spinster I feel utterly sorry for you because you're missing out like the biggest thing in life. Today I do not want to talk about love, just something that I have been thinking about since 2008, and very recently been thinking about ALOT, my brother.
When we were both young, neither of us had a very happy childhood, but as we entered our teens our lives seemingly became better, no more screaming, abusing and restrictions. I've always looked up to him, and always wished to know what he was doing and would chase after him. Every time I saw him in school I would be so delighted and say "Hey! That's my brother!" When he studied I studied, when he played his computer games, I would watch and try to learn and try to play when he wasn't around.
My brother was always better than me at everything, so I tried to supersede him whenever I could. I thought I was better at studies, but that was only valid til PSLE, he must have had a paradigm shift towards education and scored 8 As in his O levels and 4 As in his A levels. Even now at SMU an almost perfect GPA.
I thought he never like the piano, but that was actually me, I detested playing the same exam pieces over and over again. I only practiced harder and tried harder and feigned interest in front of my mother to gain her favour, but I never did. In the end he passed his Grade 8 successfully while I crashed and burned because I couldn't force myself to do it anymore. 4marks to pass ... ._. even that I couldn't manage.
Right now, my brother is in Busan, Korea, having a student exchange, and my parents are immensely proud of him. From my many years of blogposts, you would know that we weren't on very good terms with our stepmother, but that has changed now. Since I left in February, the entire family has become a very tight unit. My brother, father and stepmother have bonded very much and when I returned in July, I really couldn't understand the change.
Now my stepmother updates me daily, on what she does and about my brother and his girlfriend, Irene. Boy, where do I start on Irene. I've always wished I could take up ballroom dance with some great guy but that never happened. Irene and my brother attend their weekly Capoeira classes together.
Irene is a muslim and comes from a respectable family and is well-educated too. Somehow I wonder why I wind up knowing people who are so far away from that standard. I don't mean to judge, I truly don't. I am happy knowing all the people from polytechnics and ITE colleges, but my parents will never accept that. I feel so afraid sometimes when I want to talk to my parents, I already know they will disapprove.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just force myself, just force myself to find a Muslim and force a relationship. I swear I haven't met muslim guys, because I come from a Chinese school and hell, I'm in freakin' Australia now, there definitely aren't any. Just australians, koreans, chinese, africans but strangely I don't meet muslim guys. Fine, I've met one here, but he drinks and smokes and whatever, so that doesn't count anymore!
My parents say they're proud of my brother for being able to work and pay off his own expenses, when I was in SG I was working too, nothing for me there. Happy that Irene is able to pay for her own further education in UK. Of course that's great, and that's also because she got to work in Singapore. Try getting a job here.
I remember, in 2008, Irene asked me one question "Do you feel stressed that you have to find a Muslim boyfriend?" and my answer was "YES. But I don't wish to conform". Because of her background, she is happily welcome into my home, my parents adore her and invited her parents over. My brother has also flown over to meet her family.
For me? I have to dodge and hide everything away, because in their condescending eyes, only people who are tertiary educated and muslim may be their acquaintance. Even my school friends are not allowed over.
Of course, I envy my brother and Irene alot, because they met in the most unlikely place ever - through a cyber game. And me, who tries to socialize and meet others (and my dad even asked my brother to try to be more like me) failed.. failed so badly to please my parents. This is excluding my blood mother who is the complete opposite, only Chinese allowed.
But you know what, despite all this, despite the happiness, the blessings, the seemingly smooth path (I know nothing is easy), I am going to be different. I insist. Til the day I'm forced to my knees, I will not conform. I was brought up in a home where education is key, yes I agree, and I am studying now, but sorry I can't be a lawyer or a doctor. I have gone way off the course of EM1 or special stream and gone to the creative industries.
I do not believe that a couple must be of the same religion or belief to be happy. I will prove it to the world, because I'm tired. So tired of this burden from young, and more stress now from my parents "Hey you know what Imran and Irene did this week?" "Hey your brother is in Phuket with his girlfriend now" "Hey, Irene is coming over for dinner this Saturday".
I love the girl, she's a doll, but seriously, if you guys don't respect me and what I feel, why should I bother. I too can do my own household chores, what's so amazing that my brother does it. I have Skype to use as well but I don't want to because the first words out of your mouth will already upset me. For now, I can let my parents be occupied and feel happy for my brother. I will quietly hide in a corner, until the day I can show them happiness in other forms.
I don't know if this affects anyone else, it probably does, in some other part of the world. I'm sure many people feel the pressure from older siblings or even younger ones and I know it sucks. I'm sure many people also struggle with the Science vs the Arts thing with their parents. I'm also pretty sure there's many families with racial problems. But do you have them all together?
When we were both young, neither of us had a very happy childhood, but as we entered our teens our lives seemingly became better, no more screaming, abusing and restrictions. I've always looked up to him, and always wished to know what he was doing and would chase after him. Every time I saw him in school I would be so delighted and say "Hey! That's my brother!" When he studied I studied, when he played his computer games, I would watch and try to learn and try to play when he wasn't around.
My brother was always better than me at everything, so I tried to supersede him whenever I could. I thought I was better at studies, but that was only valid til PSLE, he must have had a paradigm shift towards education and scored 8 As in his O levels and 4 As in his A levels. Even now at SMU an almost perfect GPA.
I thought he never like the piano, but that was actually me, I detested playing the same exam pieces over and over again. I only practiced harder and tried harder and feigned interest in front of my mother to gain her favour, but I never did. In the end he passed his Grade 8 successfully while I crashed and burned because I couldn't force myself to do it anymore. 4marks to pass ... ._. even that I couldn't manage.
Right now, my brother is in Busan, Korea, having a student exchange, and my parents are immensely proud of him. From my many years of blogposts, you would know that we weren't on very good terms with our stepmother, but that has changed now. Since I left in February, the entire family has become a very tight unit. My brother, father and stepmother have bonded very much and when I returned in July, I really couldn't understand the change.
Now my stepmother updates me daily, on what she does and about my brother and his girlfriend, Irene. Boy, where do I start on Irene. I've always wished I could take up ballroom dance with some great guy but that never happened. Irene and my brother attend their weekly Capoeira classes together.
Irene is a muslim and comes from a respectable family and is well-educated too. Somehow I wonder why I wind up knowing people who are so far away from that standard. I don't mean to judge, I truly don't. I am happy knowing all the people from polytechnics and ITE colleges, but my parents will never accept that. I feel so afraid sometimes when I want to talk to my parents, I already know they will disapprove.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just force myself, just force myself to find a Muslim and force a relationship. I swear I haven't met muslim guys, because I come from a Chinese school and hell, I'm in freakin' Australia now, there definitely aren't any. Just australians, koreans, chinese, africans but strangely I don't meet muslim guys. Fine, I've met one here, but he drinks and smokes and whatever, so that doesn't count anymore!
My parents say they're proud of my brother for being able to work and pay off his own expenses, when I was in SG I was working too, nothing for me there. Happy that Irene is able to pay for her own further education in UK. Of course that's great, and that's also because she got to work in Singapore. Try getting a job here.
I remember, in 2008, Irene asked me one question "Do you feel stressed that you have to find a Muslim boyfriend?" and my answer was "YES. But I don't wish to conform". Because of her background, she is happily welcome into my home, my parents adore her and invited her parents over. My brother has also flown over to meet her family.
For me? I have to dodge and hide everything away, because in their condescending eyes, only people who are tertiary educated and muslim may be their acquaintance. Even my school friends are not allowed over.
Of course, I envy my brother and Irene alot, because they met in the most unlikely place ever - through a cyber game. And me, who tries to socialize and meet others (and my dad even asked my brother to try to be more like me) failed.. failed so badly to please my parents. This is excluding my blood mother who is the complete opposite, only Chinese allowed.
But you know what, despite all this, despite the happiness, the blessings, the seemingly smooth path (I know nothing is easy), I am going to be different. I insist. Til the day I'm forced to my knees, I will not conform. I was brought up in a home where education is key, yes I agree, and I am studying now, but sorry I can't be a lawyer or a doctor. I have gone way off the course of EM1 or special stream and gone to the creative industries.
I do not believe that a couple must be of the same religion or belief to be happy. I will prove it to the world, because I'm tired. So tired of this burden from young, and more stress now from my parents "Hey you know what Imran and Irene did this week?" "Hey your brother is in Phuket with his girlfriend now" "Hey, Irene is coming over for dinner this Saturday".
I love the girl, she's a doll, but seriously, if you guys don't respect me and what I feel, why should I bother. I too can do my own household chores, what's so amazing that my brother does it. I have Skype to use as well but I don't want to because the first words out of your mouth will already upset me. For now, I can let my parents be occupied and feel happy for my brother. I will quietly hide in a corner, until the day I can show them happiness in other forms.
I don't know if this affects anyone else, it probably does, in some other part of the world. I'm sure many people feel the pressure from older siblings or even younger ones and I know it sucks. I'm sure many people also struggle with the Science vs the Arts thing with their parents. I'm also pretty sure there's many families with racial problems. But do you have them all together?
Labels: brother, chinese, forced love, money, muslim, parents, sibling pressure, tertiary education
bits of me revealed at ..
12:50 PM.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012 - [want u back.]
HEY! Little miss 20 has recovered from a severe bout of PMS, and here I am to write something totalllly random.
Recently Alton let me listen to the Tiffany Alvord cover of this song, and I was like wow, what a cute duet, and I thought the song was uber catchy, I've heard snippets of it here and there, but finally heard it a couple days back and I love it! I thought it was cute until I heard the original!
Now I know what Tiffany is a youtube star and she is amazing and she does have a very sweet voice, but somehow the original by Cher is more.. mesmerizing? I think she's absolutely beautiful, and her little grunts are sooooo cute. I think her make-up artist and director for the MV are fantastic because it's hard not to watch, imo.
Anyway on an interesting note, there was a song like this by a Korean artiste a couple years ago and the chorus sounds similar~
Labels: artiste, british, cher lloyd, korean, secret, tiffany alvord, want u back
bits of me revealed at ..
7:14 PM.
Sunday, September 09, 2012 - []
im just a stupid little bitch. stupid bitch. blind bitch, overly emotional, I overreact, I lie and I'm just everything bad.
been super cranky the past few day, been crying 3 nights consecutively, I'm just some shitty whiny bitch, I should just hang myself.
been super cranky the past few day, been crying 3 nights consecutively, I'm just some shitty whiny bitch, I should just hang myself.
bits of me revealed at ..
10:40 PM.
Wednesday, September 05, 2012 - [could it be cancer?]
Hello all, tonight I have a very solemn post. Many people have been asking what's wrong and why am I so negative. Why am I in pain? Why I've been trying to be more down-low, more quiet more.. passive about everything.
Tonight I experience such severe pain that I cannot hide it anymore. I also got a call from my dad saying he's very worried and is going to fly me home asap. My mother also asked how I've been and I can't really answer her because I don't want to cause her more unhappiness.
To my friends, who have asked, here's the answer.
Since middle of may, I have been whining of pains in my abdomen and many have dismissed it as food-poisoning or other common pains like stomach cramps. I thought so too. I'm sure all of you have experience bad food or indigestion and know the pains of diarrhoea and constantly running to the washroom.
sadly, mine does not seem that simple. The pain I feel is not really like cramps and sudden urges. It's a slow build-up of piercing pain. I've gone to two doctors who have really stuck their fingers up my ass literally and given my much medication.
I've had hemorrhoid cream, coloxyl tablets and metamucil fibre powder because one doctor thinks I don't eat enough fruits and vegetables which is really stupid because I eat them every day. One gave me iron tablets insisting I eat more red meat and spinach. And my kind friends anna and johnny have been giving me spinach whenever they can in hopes I get better.
But being anaemic is just one problem, I guess I could live off iron supplements but that doesn't make the pain go away.
After all those powder, tablets and horrible stuff to swallow, the pain was nullified and suddenly I had two weeks of dysuria. Which is like a urinary tract infection, where you pee nonstop and it hurts to pee and you can't control it. So that particular week I was so worried about going out. Especially at Anna's surprise dinner, I was so worried I would have to run off to the toilet many times and I kid you not, there have been instances where my bladder totally loses control and while cooking, I ran to the toilet with the stove on and water running... once the urge comes you like pee on the spot.
I don't know if that has anything to do with my current sickness, but it was a bad two weeks and it was very strange that I had 7 antibiotic tablets. Each night I took one and the next day would be fine until night time I would almost die of pain and go to the toilet a thousand times but I had to endure it until 24hours later to take the next tablet. Up til the final tablet, I was wondering if this was working because I'm only okay for the next 12 hours and after that I'm not okay. Strangely the final tablet seemed to have healed me completely.
I guess this is a very disturbing post and here's the last bit. As you can see in the title. Previously under all my medication in July I had blood when I went to poop.. then it went away with all the medicine, but it's back again. 10 times worse.
Can you imagine looking into the toilet bowl and seeing a pool of red, I know it's gross but still, the pain is unimaginable it feels like someone is slicing my skin, and I actually cried in pain. Naturally you feel weak and you look very pale when you lose blood, it was so bad to the point I could literally feel blood draining from my face and I felt so cold suddenly and I really lost alot of blood today.
If you just google this, the very first thing that comes up is Colorectal Cancer. I don't know the cause, I don't know why, I have no family history and it's killing me inside each day. I have been putting off my colonoscopy thinking if I'm strong enough it will go away, but it doesnt't seem to be going away.
I stood in the shower washing away the blood and thought how much I wished I could be back home. Firstly there's 24hour clinics in Singapore. I thought about being permanently inconvenienced. I thought about losing my hair, thought about being hospitalized. Thought about having to be taken out of school.
I don't know if anyone can relate, I hope not anyway, because being sick is really the worst. To all the people I know, I hope you will all be in the best of health and that you take care of the people around you .
Even though my suspicions have yet to be confirmed, it is still likely I have to undergo some sort of treatment and as much as I pray things turn out fine, one must always be mentally prepared.
Life is fragile, life is short. Do whatever you want to while you can, you can never live again. Because of my frail body, I get out of breath just walking to class a few blocks away. You don't know how much I wish I could just go for a dance class again. Go for a jog again. But I dare not to, I dare not risk anything strenuous anymore.
I will try not to post anymore sad posts, thanks for reading.
Tonight I experience such severe pain that I cannot hide it anymore. I also got a call from my dad saying he's very worried and is going to fly me home asap. My mother also asked how I've been and I can't really answer her because I don't want to cause her more unhappiness.
To my friends, who have asked, here's the answer.
Since middle of may, I have been whining of pains in my abdomen and many have dismissed it as food-poisoning or other common pains like stomach cramps. I thought so too. I'm sure all of you have experience bad food or indigestion and know the pains of diarrhoea and constantly running to the washroom.
sadly, mine does not seem that simple. The pain I feel is not really like cramps and sudden urges. It's a slow build-up of piercing pain. I've gone to two doctors who have really stuck their fingers up my ass literally and given my much medication.
I've had hemorrhoid cream, coloxyl tablets and metamucil fibre powder because one doctor thinks I don't eat enough fruits and vegetables which is really stupid because I eat them every day. One gave me iron tablets insisting I eat more red meat and spinach. And my kind friends anna and johnny have been giving me spinach whenever they can in hopes I get better.
But being anaemic is just one problem, I guess I could live off iron supplements but that doesn't make the pain go away.
After all those powder, tablets and horrible stuff to swallow, the pain was nullified and suddenly I had two weeks of dysuria. Which is like a urinary tract infection, where you pee nonstop and it hurts to pee and you can't control it. So that particular week I was so worried about going out. Especially at Anna's surprise dinner, I was so worried I would have to run off to the toilet many times and I kid you not, there have been instances where my bladder totally loses control and while cooking, I ran to the toilet with the stove on and water running... once the urge comes you like pee on the spot.
I don't know if that has anything to do with my current sickness, but it was a bad two weeks and it was very strange that I had 7 antibiotic tablets. Each night I took one and the next day would be fine until night time I would almost die of pain and go to the toilet a thousand times but I had to endure it until 24hours later to take the next tablet. Up til the final tablet, I was wondering if this was working because I'm only okay for the next 12 hours and after that I'm not okay. Strangely the final tablet seemed to have healed me completely.
I guess this is a very disturbing post and here's the last bit. As you can see in the title. Previously under all my medication in July I had blood when I went to poop.. then it went away with all the medicine, but it's back again. 10 times worse.
Can you imagine looking into the toilet bowl and seeing a pool of red, I know it's gross but still, the pain is unimaginable it feels like someone is slicing my skin, and I actually cried in pain. Naturally you feel weak and you look very pale when you lose blood, it was so bad to the point I could literally feel blood draining from my face and I felt so cold suddenly and I really lost alot of blood today.
If you just google this, the very first thing that comes up is Colorectal Cancer. I don't know the cause, I don't know why, I have no family history and it's killing me inside each day. I have been putting off my colonoscopy thinking if I'm strong enough it will go away, but it doesnt't seem to be going away.
I stood in the shower washing away the blood and thought how much I wished I could be back home. Firstly there's 24hour clinics in Singapore. I thought about being permanently inconvenienced. I thought about losing my hair, thought about being hospitalized. Thought about having to be taken out of school.
I don't know if anyone can relate, I hope not anyway, because being sick is really the worst. To all the people I know, I hope you will all be in the best of health and that you take care of the people around you .
Even though my suspicions have yet to be confirmed, it is still likely I have to undergo some sort of treatment and as much as I pray things turn out fine, one must always be mentally prepared.
Life is fragile, life is short. Do whatever you want to while you can, you can never live again. Because of my frail body, I get out of breath just walking to class a few blocks away. You don't know how much I wish I could just go for a dance class again. Go for a jog again. But I dare not to, I dare not risk anything strenuous anymore.
I will try not to post anymore sad posts, thanks for reading.
bits of me revealed at ..
11:17 PM.
Tuesday, September 04, 2012 - []
I don't understand why I'm in this phase of life where I'm soooo unhappy every day! I have no reason to be upset!
I'm ahead in my schoolwork
I've got to volunteer for ActingWorks and QUT News
I've sat in a freakin trolley bike.
I've met new and great friends here
bits of me revealed at ..
10:59 AM.
