Wednesday, April 18, 2012 - [no strings.]
My Indian father and Chinese mother are divorced.
My dad wants to disown me for having a Chinese, non-muslim boyfriend.
My mum wants to disown my brother for have a Indonesian muslim girlfriend.
Isn't the world such a great place?
My dad wants to disown me for having a Chinese, non-muslim boyfriend.
My mum wants to disown my brother for have a Indonesian muslim girlfriend.
Isn't the world such a great place?
bits of me revealed at ..
2:29 PM.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012 - [missing you]
I agree with my baby.. my previous post was too skimpy to describe what a wonderful week it was. In the shower I felt a sudden inspiration to write more, and most importantly my dear laogong I really miss you alot. And I know you're very busy every day and especially now because you missed 6 days of work for me and you have so many businesses to handle. And when I heard your reassuring promise of coming back here my heart melted.
I received my assignment grade today and was royally shocked because I realized I missed out a section in my marking criteria which pulled my marks down severely. My perfect grade has been forced way down and I feel like crying for doing a bad job. And I just submitted another new assignment today after working on it for many hours and asking for help from seniors.
I really want to do well because I'm finally able to do what I like since I was born and I'm very disappointed in myself. ): sighs..
I really need to study harder to make up for that terrible grade I received. But my head can't focus properly because I keep thinking of my baby and what he's doing back at home and I really miss home too. Now that I realize my friends aren't coming in May or July or August it makes me very upset that I have to be 'alone' for a long time. I feel that I'm too dependent on people, sighs.. I really need to change that part of me.
During the fire alarm evacuation today, I got a short call from my baby sister at home, and I felt so happy to hear her asking me to come home soon, I gave her a date and she's gonna countdown 'til I return home [: Coincidentally while studying at taitai's home she called home and talked to her 3 sisters and her parents. I felt so jealous, because she sounded so happy talking to them and laughing together. It's so good to have sisters who share things with you and talk about their boyfriends and bitch together about things in life.
It's a void I could only fill with my dear dengyin, who seems more distant now. ): Maybe I let that happen, but I hope it doesn't continue..
I was picking out an outfit for school tomorrow and I realized how different clothes looked with my super short hair... and that got me thinking about the only person who could possibly make me cut my hair... my dearest Chris... I think I won't be cutting my hair for a good few years now. It's good that the hair is so easy to manage and dries so quickly but long hair's fun to play with heh.
When I think about the two business exams coming, I keep thinking of running away and enjoying myself, like the day at Gold Coast. I had to drag my baby to sit on rides with me, and he actually chicken-ed out from the BatWing ride. It was funny to see him so scared with a look of death on his face. But his reason was having a near-death experience after escaping a previous near-death experience. And he thought it was his limit. Then after that he said he wished he sat on the ride with me. Hahaha my cute darling. I remember that evening he tried to comfort me because I didn't get my Batman hoodie which I was whining about since we woke up.
what did you do with the videos we took? I hope you hold on to them dearly.
I look at my bank statement and laugh about the insane amount on money we spent together. And I remember walking around the store and singing "Don't Worry Be Happy" and you pushed while I stood on the trolley. All good times [: I even remember breaking the mug in Typo and escaping scot-free and breaking a light-bulb and sneaking away with you. Baby don't you miss the times, even though it was just last week?
I think about the meals you cooked for me and imparting your secret recipes to me. Making breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper for me each day, putting in all your love to those meals.
I think about the night I was unhappy and how you had no mood to cook food and we both were irritated by a guest with had. And you were so scared I was angry and tried to comfort me. I feel so bad for pushing you away. Sorry your wifey gets upset easily.. ):
Another thing that I always laugh to myself about is when you nagged at me for playing too much games and not paying attention to how you cooked. Then I tried to make the folded onion omelette and I burnt my finger and made the entire omelette stick to the pan and you were so exasperated at my incompetence... and after that you started playing my game and you even downloaded it in Singapore to your phone! Because of you I check the game regularly as a way to connect to you [:
A very fond memory is going to the Treasury Casino almost every night and trying my beginner's luck at the tables. And how you said you needed me with you to play properly and how we tried to win and how we lost and it was just funny seeing you get upset and making your sad faces. I love you despite your imperfections baby. And I won't forget how we ran in the rain together and I had to pull you away from the street fight we saw and control your 'animal instincts"
I will remember how you raged at the bank for not letting you withdraw cash, your foot and back massages, you carrying me around CLV, you hugging me to sleep every night, having warm showers together in the cold weather, falling asleep on the bus together, tricking the counter lady with two concession cards, shaking the vending machines and cuddling with you watching movies at night.
I hope you like the star, my school hoodie and my beloved Batman poster. Im very happy I had this one week with you, one full week with you by my side all day and night. I can't wait to see you again and this time really run and jump on you at the airport.
♥
I received my assignment grade today and was royally shocked because I realized I missed out a section in my marking criteria which pulled my marks down severely. My perfect grade has been forced way down and I feel like crying for doing a bad job. And I just submitted another new assignment today after working on it for many hours and asking for help from seniors.
I really want to do well because I'm finally able to do what I like since I was born and I'm very disappointed in myself. ): sighs..
I really need to study harder to make up for that terrible grade I received. But my head can't focus properly because I keep thinking of my baby and what he's doing back at home and I really miss home too. Now that I realize my friends aren't coming in May or July or August it makes me very upset that I have to be 'alone' for a long time. I feel that I'm too dependent on people, sighs.. I really need to change that part of me.
During the fire alarm evacuation today, I got a short call from my baby sister at home, and I felt so happy to hear her asking me to come home soon, I gave her a date and she's gonna countdown 'til I return home [: Coincidentally while studying at taitai's home she called home and talked to her 3 sisters and her parents. I felt so jealous, because she sounded so happy talking to them and laughing together. It's so good to have sisters who share things with you and talk about their boyfriends and bitch together about things in life.
It's a void I could only fill with my dear dengyin, who seems more distant now. ): Maybe I let that happen, but I hope it doesn't continue..
I was picking out an outfit for school tomorrow and I realized how different clothes looked with my super short hair... and that got me thinking about the only person who could possibly make me cut my hair... my dearest Chris... I think I won't be cutting my hair for a good few years now. It's good that the hair is so easy to manage and dries so quickly but long hair's fun to play with heh.
When I think about the two business exams coming, I keep thinking of running away and enjoying myself, like the day at Gold Coast. I had to drag my baby to sit on rides with me, and he actually chicken-ed out from the BatWing ride. It was funny to see him so scared with a look of death on his face. But his reason was having a near-death experience after escaping a previous near-death experience. And he thought it was his limit. Then after that he said he wished he sat on the ride with me. Hahaha my cute darling. I remember that evening he tried to comfort me because I didn't get my Batman hoodie which I was whining about since we woke up.
what did you do with the videos we took? I hope you hold on to them dearly.
I look at my bank statement and laugh about the insane amount on money we spent together. And I remember walking around the store and singing "Don't Worry Be Happy" and you pushed while I stood on the trolley. All good times [: I even remember breaking the mug in Typo and escaping scot-free and breaking a light-bulb and sneaking away with you. Baby don't you miss the times, even though it was just last week?
I think about the meals you cooked for me and imparting your secret recipes to me. Making breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper for me each day, putting in all your love to those meals.
I think about the night I was unhappy and how you had no mood to cook food and we both were irritated by a guest with had. And you were so scared I was angry and tried to comfort me. I feel so bad for pushing you away. Sorry your wifey gets upset easily.. ):
Another thing that I always laugh to myself about is when you nagged at me for playing too much games and not paying attention to how you cooked. Then I tried to make the folded onion omelette and I burnt my finger and made the entire omelette stick to the pan and you were so exasperated at my incompetence... and after that you started playing my game and you even downloaded it in Singapore to your phone! Because of you I check the game regularly as a way to connect to you [:
A very fond memory is going to the Treasury Casino almost every night and trying my beginner's luck at the tables. And how you said you needed me with you to play properly and how we tried to win and how we lost and it was just funny seeing you get upset and making your sad faces. I love you despite your imperfections baby. And I won't forget how we ran in the rain together and I had to pull you away from the street fight we saw and control your 'animal instincts"
I will remember how you raged at the bank for not letting you withdraw cash, your foot and back massages, you carrying me around CLV, you hugging me to sleep every night, having warm showers together in the cold weather, falling asleep on the bus together, tricking the counter lady with two concession cards, shaking the vending machines and cuddling with you watching movies at night.
I hope you like the star, my school hoodie and my beloved Batman poster. Im very happy I had this one week with you, one full week with you by my side all day and night. I can't wait to see you again and this time really run and jump on you at the airport.
♥
bits of me revealed at ..
10:39 PM.
I had a pretty eventful mid-semester break. Because my baby Chris came to visit [:
Things weren't smooth at all at the beginning, we were in the middle of a huge fight and he even texted me about 3hours before his flight that he's sending Jun in his place, what a heart attack I had. But anyway, the first few days he was here, we had lots of serious talking. I was forced to say things I never wanted to and I was cornered by chris wanjeong and vicky. I broke down all the time until one night it ended.
After so much turmoil I had to seriously ask my heart what it wanted, and I had to like throw my brain away and just focus on what made me happy rather than the pressure from society and parents and whatever.
By the end of it, I realized that it was not worth fighting so much for my freedom or fighting to keep a friend. Because friends are everywhere, even though I've lost so many and took a long time to learn to make friends, I believe I can do without a particular one. I told myself there's no point doing things I don't like to gain favour of others, and I definitely must not ever do something that might upset Chris again.
In the past 10 days, I sort of saw life living with him, and it was pretty fun, but that's because there was no work or school. I took him to see my school, the places I go to, to town, to the casino, to GoldCoast where we sat on wild roller coasters together. I thought he was fearless but apparently I'm more bold when it comes to thrill rides haha! We went shopping and it was funny that he usually nags at me for spending, but he couldn't hold back himself either and he even encouraged me to spend on myself too.
He cooked for me for the first time ever, and first time in 6 years as he claims. I don't know if anyone out there feels the same way but it's just such a warm and lovely feeling to watch someone you love cook for you, and worry about it not being perfect and trying all sorts of ways to mend it.
his cooking was brilliant by the way.
We went to Karaoke and it's probably the first time I ever enjoyed myself at K and he was there to watch my silliest moments. We watched movies together, even played LoL together at the lab. It was so simple and enjoyable just having someone around. Someone to wake up beside, someone to share all your meals.
This precious one week showed me how blessed I was. And I wonder how I would ever find someone like that. Someone whose ambition in life is to make his family happy. Someone who would put his life in front of mine. Some one who would shiver in the cold with a nose like rudolf and sore eyes just to make sure I was warm. Someone who even give up his dream and dedicate his time to me.
I love you ♥
Things weren't smooth at all at the beginning, we were in the middle of a huge fight and he even texted me about 3hours before his flight that he's sending Jun in his place, what a heart attack I had. But anyway, the first few days he was here, we had lots of serious talking. I was forced to say things I never wanted to and I was cornered by chris wanjeong and vicky. I broke down all the time until one night it ended.
After so much turmoil I had to seriously ask my heart what it wanted, and I had to like throw my brain away and just focus on what made me happy rather than the pressure from society and parents and whatever.
By the end of it, I realized that it was not worth fighting so much for my freedom or fighting to keep a friend. Because friends are everywhere, even though I've lost so many and took a long time to learn to make friends, I believe I can do without a particular one. I told myself there's no point doing things I don't like to gain favour of others, and I definitely must not ever do something that might upset Chris again.
In the past 10 days, I sort of saw life living with him, and it was pretty fun, but that's because there was no work or school. I took him to see my school, the places I go to, to town, to the casino, to GoldCoast where we sat on wild roller coasters together. I thought he was fearless but apparently I'm more bold when it comes to thrill rides haha! We went shopping and it was funny that he usually nags at me for spending, but he couldn't hold back himself either and he even encouraged me to spend on myself too.
He cooked for me for the first time ever, and first time in 6 years as he claims. I don't know if anyone out there feels the same way but it's just such a warm and lovely feeling to watch someone you love cook for you, and worry about it not being perfect and trying all sorts of ways to mend it.
his cooking was brilliant by the way.
We went to Karaoke and it's probably the first time I ever enjoyed myself at K and he was there to watch my silliest moments. We watched movies together, even played LoL together at the lab. It was so simple and enjoyable just having someone around. Someone to wake up beside, someone to share all your meals.
This precious one week showed me how blessed I was. And I wonder how I would ever find someone like that. Someone whose ambition in life is to make his family happy. Someone who would put his life in front of mine. Some one who would shiver in the cold with a nose like rudolf and sore eyes just to make sure I was warm. Someone who even give up his dream and dedicate his time to me.
I love you ♥
bits of me revealed at ..
2:25 PM.
Friday, April 06, 2012 - [easter holidays.]
So.. the holidays are here, completed my film assignment..
hope you liked it...
hope you liked it...
Gonna do my research paper the whole day tomorrow... and then Saturday will come and let the awkwardness begin.. After a really big fight where I ended up screaming and crying and taitai and wanjeong helped me to tell Chris to stop talking to me.
we came to an ending.. he's gonna come here on Saturday for a week and pretend nothing ever happened and says he's gonna give me the "best week of my life" and then once he leave it's over, we're over. nothing.
I don't know how to even feel, like numb? I know we quarrel alot and I always he doesn't understand me, but the thing is that Chris has the ability to treat me well, he puts me on a pedestal infront of his friends and family, he showers me lots of love every day. His life ambition is to just have a happy family. And I know for sure it's gonna be darn hard to find someone else like that. But as what other people tell me, I guess it won't work out even if we go past this issue because he doesn't understand me. We tried and we failed. Tried again and again and still failed.
I feel so strange now, I don't really know what to do until this week is over. I hope god gives me some sort of signal because I'm lost really. And then I get told off by Jun as well. Of course I know I've put both of them through alot of pain, but it's not exactly easy for me either. I kinda think I should just forget both of them... maybe. I don't know. I kept telling myself that not having Jun around will be a major regret so I fought against my restriction. I told myself that I'm not like my parents and I won't fail in a mixed relationship, and I just made mine fall apart, but definitely not because of racial differences.
I'm just a messed up kid. I should ...... hide in a hole or something ..
bits of me revealed at ..
12:25 AM.
Thursday, April 05, 2012 - [jump.]
im amazed.. at how you can jump from being so sweet to a complete jerk... it's not as funny as you think... haizz.
bits of me revealed at ..
2:35 AM.
Wednesday, April 04, 2012 - [single again.]
After a crazy long night ... of confusion and accusations and yelling and crying, it's all gonna be over soon. One more week to go and I'll be single again.
it's like the doctor just told me how many days I have left to live.
it's like the doctor just told me how many days I have left to live.
bits of me revealed at ..
10:33 PM.
I go behind A's back because he had a fall out with B. I betray B's trust by admitting to A about what I've done. C says it's good that I did what I did otherwise I'll lose everyone's trust. In the end, A is furious at me for what I've done and so is B. Currently C has not further advised what I should do but it's okay, because I've done what is right.
If A can't accept me that way, I really have no other choice, because it's something about me that's highly impossible to change. I have done things, I once swore I would never in my life do, for A. I've also met a lot of people like B and I've lost them all many times and I definitely don't want it to happen again. B probably doesn't know that and doesn't understand the pain it caused me before and is thus gonna be mad at me for quite some time.
Because of A's track record, none of us really trust A, and all of us fear him. But there's practically nothing we can do.
C is a great person who often has words of wisdom, knows how to analyze people and hardly goes wrong. I already once pissed her off and almost died thinking that we were through. I shall not doubt C's judgements and I agree with C most of the time and I think that even if by listening to C I have to lose both A and B and take another blow, it's all worth it, because C is more valuable that either A or B.
Basically the situation now is that A and B was enemies and never want to see each other, C is friends with everyone. A and I are going through some changes and A doesn't really seem to be responding well, I believe A is trying to use some sort of reverse psychology and make me feel bad.B and I are in a very confused stage. C and I are awesome.
If A can't accept me that way, I really have no other choice, because it's something about me that's highly impossible to change. I have done things, I once swore I would never in my life do, for A. I've also met a lot of people like B and I've lost them all many times and I definitely don't want it to happen again. B probably doesn't know that and doesn't understand the pain it caused me before and is thus gonna be mad at me for quite some time.
Because of A's track record, none of us really trust A, and all of us fear him. But there's practically nothing we can do.
C is a great person who often has words of wisdom, knows how to analyze people and hardly goes wrong. I already once pissed her off and almost died thinking that we were through. I shall not doubt C's judgements and I agree with C most of the time and I think that even if by listening to C I have to lose both A and B and take another blow, it's all worth it, because C is more valuable that either A or B.
Basically the situation now is that A and B was enemies and never want to see each other, C is friends with everyone. A and I are going through some changes and A doesn't really seem to be responding well, I believe A is trying to use some sort of reverse psychology and make me feel bad.B and I are in a very confused stage. C and I are awesome.
bits of me revealed at ..
9:31 AM.
I treasure the things you gave me, the scrump and the lost perfume bottle and the jacket which I wear to sleep every day. I treasure the fact that you are always trying to protect me and showering me with your love every day. I treasure it, but you just don't seem to believe that I treasure you.
No matter what I do to convince you.
You think im try to drive a wall between us, all I wanted was some freedom, but you just take it as me going against you. You think I would just give up on you straight away. So much trust in me eh?
You're no different from my ex because you just compared me to other girls, right in my face and I just swallowed it like nothing happened, but you .. after having 15girlfriends, surely would know that's like the biggest mistake ever. I don't understand why you have to make things so difficult. Why you have to be so condescending and mock me...
Anyway whatever I did today was a build-up of guilt and persuasion from my best friend who is almost never wrong. I think I've done my best and done what's right and I honestly wish you could accept it and not just plainly say "okay i"m fine" but seriously think about it. It's been going on for so long... aren't you tired.
I ask you for a favour and you say no. You're telling to ask someone else to do it. How can I possibly ask another person when you, the one who supposedly cares the most about me and are certainly most capable of helping me refuses to do it.
No matter what I do to convince you.
You think im try to drive a wall between us, all I wanted was some freedom, but you just take it as me going against you. You think I would just give up on you straight away. So much trust in me eh?
You're no different from my ex because you just compared me to other girls, right in my face and I just swallowed it like nothing happened, but you .. after having 15girlfriends, surely would know that's like the biggest mistake ever. I don't understand why you have to make things so difficult. Why you have to be so condescending and mock me...
Anyway whatever I did today was a build-up of guilt and persuasion from my best friend who is almost never wrong. I think I've done my best and done what's right and I honestly wish you could accept it and not just plainly say "okay i"m fine" but seriously think about it. It's been going on for so long... aren't you tired.
I ask you for a favour and you say no. You're telling to ask someone else to do it. How can I possibly ask another person when you, the one who supposedly cares the most about me and are certainly most capable of helping me refuses to do it.
bits of me revealed at ..
12:55 AM.
Monday, April 02, 2012 - [messed up]
I always wonder why some people make life difficult for other people. And I always believed in second chances, you make a mistake, you should be able to try again or you should forgive others.
it makes me wonder why some people won't leave me alone and just get on with life. But nevermind, this has further strengthened my resolve to work hard and be really successful. Because even though you are able to annoy me and make me unhappy and you can make me feel weak now. I'm quite sure that it won't last much longer because I see absolutely nothing ahead of you. And with the life you've been living all along, you really shouldn't be telling me what to do but be seriously rethinking your own.
I admit I might not have been the nicest person around before, but then again, neither were you.
it makes me wonder why some people won't leave me alone and just get on with life. But nevermind, this has further strengthened my resolve to work hard and be really successful. Because even though you are able to annoy me and make me unhappy and you can make me feel weak now. I'm quite sure that it won't last much longer because I see absolutely nothing ahead of you. And with the life you've been living all along, you really shouldn't be telling me what to do but be seriously rethinking your own.
I admit I might not have been the nicest person around before, but then again, neither were you.
bits of me revealed at ..
4:01 PM.
Sunday, April 01, 2012 - [Dean's Reward]
Twice a year, 5 outstanding students are awarded the Executive Dean's Merit Scholarship for International Students in the Creative Industries.
I sincerely hope to be one of those. I've been super blessed to have scored high distinction for my first film assignment, and I was freaking out a lot preparing it ..
After revising my entire story and redo-ing my camera plots, storyboards, shotlists, marked-up script, camera schedule, risk assessment, permissions, getting props and of course finding my actors and borrowing equipment to shoot on Monday... some crisis happens.
Not to be selfish but, one of my actors unfortunately fell down crossing a road last night and has been sent to the hospital. Unless she can miraculously recover in less than 24hours......... I have to find someone .. I even planned the script with her and I let her pick the co-star...
What will I do now ... 40% of my final grade @@" ... Not that I can't find someone else, but I can't really think of anyone who would fit the role better. And I was so sure she could pull it off just the way I wanted it.
I sincerely hope to be one of those. I've been super blessed to have scored high distinction for my first film assignment, and I was freaking out a lot preparing it ..
After revising my entire story and redo-ing my camera plots, storyboards, shotlists, marked-up script, camera schedule, risk assessment, permissions, getting props and of course finding my actors and borrowing equipment to shoot on Monday... some crisis happens.
Not to be selfish but, one of my actors unfortunately fell down crossing a road last night and has been sent to the hospital. Unless she can miraculously recover in less than 24hours......... I have to find someone .. I even planned the script with her and I let her pick the co-star...
What will I do now ... 40% of my final grade @@" ... Not that I can't find someone else, but I can't really think of anyone who would fit the role better. And I was so sure she could pull it off just the way I wanted it.
bits of me revealed at ..
12:35 AM.
