Thursday, October 22, 2015 - []
you.. what am I going to do with you ..
!!
!!
bits of me revealed at ..
12:02 PM.
Sunday, October 18, 2015 - [last night's dream ]
I had this very strange dream last night. I was thinking about life and death earlier so it kinda makes sense, but not ... like suicide or anything. I was thinking about the balance between them and the eventuality of death and how people try to escape it.
ANYWAY.
In my dream I was .. in some foreign land and there was really wide road, with no lane markings, like just uhh umm.. a big road! There was grass and all around both sides so its a deserted place. But there's this tribe with strange paintings on their face and I see a fire pit and a man dangling above the fire, the tribe excited and shouting and making sounds. He is chained up and the chains are connected to my wrists and I'm holding him above the fire with my weight, so I have to tug and pull backwards to raise him.
But I can't and I struggle and his son is there watching his father get lowered into the fire because I can't hold him and I let go and he drops, he screams and sparks fly and I am so horrified and try to pull away from the fire and it lifts the man up and he's pretty much burnt everywhere and all black. His son is silently crying and staring at me and I can't hold and I drop the man into the fire again. I watch the man disintegrate slowly.
Suddenly I'm running away and my dad is with me, running from the tribe, they're searching for something. Is it me? Is it dad? We're suddenly running down a row of houses and climbing over fences to avoid the tribe. We break into a house and hide inside. We seem to be safe and the tribe isn't anywhere to be seen. There is a knock on the door and its my favourite uncle! Except hes younger because he looks healthy and he has hair on his head! Hehh, and he tries to coax me and dad out, to go meet the tribe to talk to them. I'm like HELL NAHHHH and I see the tribe slowly behind my uncle and I scream and I wake up. O_O.
What the..
ANYWAY.
In my dream I was .. in some foreign land and there was really wide road, with no lane markings, like just uhh umm.. a big road! There was grass and all around both sides so its a deserted place. But there's this tribe with strange paintings on their face and I see a fire pit and a man dangling above the fire, the tribe excited and shouting and making sounds. He is chained up and the chains are connected to my wrists and I'm holding him above the fire with my weight, so I have to tug and pull backwards to raise him.
But I can't and I struggle and his son is there watching his father get lowered into the fire because I can't hold him and I let go and he drops, he screams and sparks fly and I am so horrified and try to pull away from the fire and it lifts the man up and he's pretty much burnt everywhere and all black. His son is silently crying and staring at me and I can't hold and I drop the man into the fire again. I watch the man disintegrate slowly.
Suddenly I'm running away and my dad is with me, running from the tribe, they're searching for something. Is it me? Is it dad? We're suddenly running down a row of houses and climbing over fences to avoid the tribe. We break into a house and hide inside. We seem to be safe and the tribe isn't anywhere to be seen. There is a knock on the door and its my favourite uncle! Except hes younger because he looks healthy and he has hair on his head! Hehh, and he tries to coax me and dad out, to go meet the tribe to talk to them. I'm like HELL NAHHHH and I see the tribe slowly behind my uncle and I scream and I wake up. O_O.
What the..
bits of me revealed at ..
8:19 PM.
Saturday, October 17, 2015 - [Heartbreak imminent. ]
An important date is coming.
bits of me revealed at ..
5:30 PM.
Dear diary,
I really wish an accident would happen to a certain someone. But I know even in the extremely rare event that actually happens, the bizarre ways of life will make it backfire and I still wouldn't be satisfied, I mean my problem with that person won't be resolved, maybe it would even become worse. I wish I could .. rewind and alter my relationship with this person. In saying that tho ... if someone were to happen to this person, I know of many people who would be sad. Ok maybe I won't wish for an accident, but I really can't think of any other solution.
Dear god,
You feel my frustration and pain, why are you doing this?
Dear diary,
On another note, today I managed to do a proper Sphere Drop without hands and took my hands off in the Rocketman and also completed the All Limbs Off or Four Limbs Off move. Progressssss.
back to being a sad potato .. . . . . . . .
I really wish an accident would happen to a certain someone. But I know even in the extremely rare event that actually happens, the bizarre ways of life will make it backfire and I still wouldn't be satisfied, I mean my problem with that person won't be resolved, maybe it would even become worse. I wish I could .. rewind and alter my relationship with this person. In saying that tho ... if someone were to happen to this person, I know of many people who would be sad. Ok maybe I won't wish for an accident, but I really can't think of any other solution.
Dear god,
You feel my frustration and pain, why are you doing this?
Dear diary,
On another note, today I managed to do a proper Sphere Drop without hands and took my hands off in the Rocketman and also completed the All Limbs Off or Four Limbs Off move. Progressssss.
back to being a sad potato .. . . . . . . .
bits of me revealed at ..
5:24 PM.
Friday, October 16, 2015 - [no truer words.. ]
bits of me revealed at ..
6:21 PM.
Well how do I begin to convince you to love me
When you’re a star in the sky up above me
And I’m too far down below
bits of me revealed at ..
1:50 PM.
Tuesday, October 06, 2015 - [Gold or Silver? ]
I'm really stressed.
It's 2am, and I have a tonne of things on my mind. The biggest one tho .. is the unfairness of this life. I know, I know, of course life is unfair.
I just feel that for someone who tries her absolute hardest to be nice to everyone, see the good in people, try to be optimistic mostly.. I'm not receiving much in return. I put in lots of effort to please people and I'm really tired of that. People are like live for YOU and put yourself first. I think if I really did that I wouldn't have any friends.
I feel so worthless right now and it really sucks that I feel the need to be extra nice so people stay around me. Maybe with the exception of a few close friends, I just feel like complete shit. Everything feels unreciprocated and unappreciated.
I really want to deactivate my social media accounts and shut myself out for a while, but I can't because of my amounts of group work and the need to communicate with my uni supervisors and teammates.
Usually when I post things like this, it's because its accumulated and accumulated and someone just said something made me hit my tipping point.
For today it's true. I have been constantly worrying and worrying about several things and someone unknowingly said something and it's just shattered my bottle of feelings and I know he has no clue he is the one who did it, why would he, he asked a harmless question. Its just like dominoes .. your innocent question just crumbled several thousand pieces I struggled to keep standing.
No ones gonna understand this post, a few months from now I'll re-read this and I would have forgotten but .. right now.. I feel really overwhelmed and worried and just awful ..
I also want to say right here right now, that I'm really surprised that my mother was right all along. How could she have known though .. but yes mom, you were right .. it's scary.
It's 2am, and I have a tonne of things on my mind. The biggest one tho .. is the unfairness of this life. I know, I know, of course life is unfair.
I just feel that for someone who tries her absolute hardest to be nice to everyone, see the good in people, try to be optimistic mostly.. I'm not receiving much in return. I put in lots of effort to please people and I'm really tired of that. People are like live for YOU and put yourself first. I think if I really did that I wouldn't have any friends.
I feel so worthless right now and it really sucks that I feel the need to be extra nice so people stay around me. Maybe with the exception of a few close friends, I just feel like complete shit. Everything feels unreciprocated and unappreciated.
I really want to deactivate my social media accounts and shut myself out for a while, but I can't because of my amounts of group work and the need to communicate with my uni supervisors and teammates.
Usually when I post things like this, it's because its accumulated and accumulated and someone just said something made me hit my tipping point.
For today it's true. I have been constantly worrying and worrying about several things and someone unknowingly said something and it's just shattered my bottle of feelings and I know he has no clue he is the one who did it, why would he, he asked a harmless question. Its just like dominoes .. your innocent question just crumbled several thousand pieces I struggled to keep standing.
No ones gonna understand this post, a few months from now I'll re-read this and I would have forgotten but .. right now.. I feel really overwhelmed and worried and just awful ..
I also want to say right here right now, that I'm really surprised that my mother was right all along. How could she have known though .. but yes mom, you were right .. it's scary.
bits of me revealed at ..
12:18 AM.
