Tuesday, April 30, 2013 - [stage fright.]
Pfft, more worries again, about moving and where to live, gosh, pains of living overseas. I actually do want to live alone, but it's gonna be .. abit tough I think, but then again I'm always not home, so I don't know, it's causing me alot of unncessary stress and unhappiness.
So I just watched the "Five-Year Engagement" after a lot of procrastination from the time I watched the trailers, I honestly didn't enjoy it one bit and if I stopped it halfway but decided to just watch it anyway and it's my first time that I've felt .. "wow, I'm never ever gonna watch it again."
This is why I hate being alone, if I'm left alone like this I start thinking about too much stuff and get emotional and upset. Furthermore none of my roommates are home and it makes it worse because it's like really me, alone . . . ): how can live alone like this.
I have a presentation to worry about on Thursday as well .. which sucks because for some reason I've grown to dislike presentations and speaking in front of people in general. As a kid I always flew to the front and shared every shit I had and was overly noisy. Now I don't ever answer a question in class, don't ever volunteer. There was actually a time in my life I led my school of... a few thousand in saying the pledge and singing the school song.
Now I've been reduced to a squeaky mouse, I don't even know what happened, I just have zero confidence in whatever I say now, I don't want to share anything. My groupmates say I'm too quiet, monotonous and I have a difficult-to-understand accent... So maybe that's what's making me freak out, because I really don't want to be the one that drags every one down.
Maybe it was the stupid PW presentation in J1 that killed my presentation spirit. I was just so mad and outraged by the results of people clearly inferior to me and I probably just lost it there and then.... and I don't think I can ever get that back ... ._. or maybe it was the terrible amount of bullying I received but whatever, I hate presenting now.
mm... but after Thursday I will be kinda free from assignments, just one 2kwords portfolio about improving myself or something and I'll be done with assignments and thennnn.... 3 exams and thenn ... end of semester 1 of year 2. That's pretty quick.
.... and it makes me feel that I've accomplished nothing. -__________-
okay I hate being alone. bye.
So I just watched the "Five-Year Engagement" after a lot of procrastination from the time I watched the trailers, I honestly didn't enjoy it one bit and if I stopped it halfway but decided to just watch it anyway and it's my first time that I've felt .. "wow, I'm never ever gonna watch it again."
This is why I hate being alone, if I'm left alone like this I start thinking about too much stuff and get emotional and upset. Furthermore none of my roommates are home and it makes it worse because it's like really me, alone . . . ): how can live alone like this.
I have a presentation to worry about on Thursday as well .. which sucks because for some reason I've grown to dislike presentations and speaking in front of people in general. As a kid I always flew to the front and shared every shit I had and was overly noisy. Now I don't ever answer a question in class, don't ever volunteer. There was actually a time in my life I led my school of... a few thousand in saying the pledge and singing the school song.
Now I've been reduced to a squeaky mouse, I don't even know what happened, I just have zero confidence in whatever I say now, I don't want to share anything. My groupmates say I'm too quiet, monotonous and I have a difficult-to-understand accent... So maybe that's what's making me freak out, because I really don't want to be the one that drags every one down.
Maybe it was the stupid PW presentation in J1 that killed my presentation spirit. I was just so mad and outraged by the results of people clearly inferior to me and I probably just lost it there and then.... and I don't think I can ever get that back ... ._. or maybe it was the terrible amount of bullying I received but whatever, I hate presenting now.
mm... but after Thursday I will be kinda free from assignments, just one 2kwords portfolio about improving myself or something and I'll be done with assignments and thennnn.... 3 exams and thenn ... end of semester 1 of year 2. That's pretty quick.
.... and it makes me feel that I've accomplished nothing. -__________-
okay I hate being alone. bye.
bits of me revealed at ..
8:12 PM.
Monday, April 29, 2013 - [this is brisbane]
the city, the sights, the beach, the lights ~
Labels: brisbane city
bits of me revealed at ..
1:14 AM.
Sunday, April 28, 2013 - [unseen things.]
Despite all the stress I have been having due to job-hunting, all my group projects and stuff, I have been feeling pretty happy with the people around me and recent simple events .. and I just feel grateful and I think this quote is so nice :D
Labels: unseen
bits of me revealed at ..
9:00 AM.
Sunday, April 21, 2013 - [rage post again ._. ]
hey,
I'm finally typing from my lappy again.. so much easier than the ipad keyboard, bleah ... what a hectic week it's been. Haven't been resting much since tooesday, where I had data lect, law lect did my global assignment in the lab til about 9pm. Studied for law the entire of wednesday, went over to cilla's to study more. Left home too late, had to run 20mins from Spring Hill to QUT, reached the tutorial just when the tutor was giving out quiz papers. phewww... global group meeting, global tutorial... urghh.. study more for law exam.
Friday study for law exam again, until finally taking the exam on Saturday.
jeezus, so much work to do. I probably shouldnt complain, but heck, I really doubt any of my Aussie friends know of my blog, my working in biz groupmates are fine, bree's abit uptight, I feel scared I might offend her sometimes 'cause she seems super serious about the work. Other than that I'm glad that my group is responsible. I guess I couldn't ask for b better groupmates in my Global biz as well. They're pretty efficient and plan everything except busy Stuart who runs his own business and thus isn't always present. Although Chloe is like.. bossy and scary and gives me mean looks all the time. sighhh... I do my part and I do it way ahead of time why can't you give me a break.
Gahhh, so many problems, even though I'm very comfortable with Zachary/Zac/Zeeeeek, I feel abit strange sometimes. Maybe 'cause I'm too asian :x but.. ahh, my life is just so far off from what I expected. He's sweet, he sayangs me alot hehh, he's a real good son, does alot of stuff around the house and real filial and he's the tallest guy I've ever dated and oh his eyes are to die for.
I just somehow feel something missing from our relationship. Everytime I see an update from chris I feel so annoyed now, I guess it's part of breaking up and I did choose this, I forced a break up for no reason. Chris didn't upset me, I just thought I would be happier with Zac....
I hope it's the right choice, my friends love Zac much more and I think my parents would too, but ohhhh... life is just so unpredictable who knows what shit is gonna be thrown at me next.
My mom is being irritating again as well. She keeps texting me asking about my brother, his health, his studies, is he still with 'that slut', whats he up to? For gods sake, I really don't know, umm maybe 'cause I'm 6000KM away from him?! My mom is so ridiculous, she expects me to know everything, in the first place my brother is the kind who replies a text, if he does at all, weeks later.
I need to draw a banner and fly it across him on a plane to get his attention.
Like any middle child I suppose this is just mild jealousy and frustration. Mom was like
Even my stepmom likes him more.
I can't be bothered anyway, I'll just make my own success one day and shove it in their faces. Only daddy is nice to me. sighs. I feel like I disappoint him too much. I don't want him to worry for me or pay so much for me...
I want to go to LA for the internship but I need to pay like ... $15K to get the double diploma from FilmSchool to be eligible for the internship, being searching like 1year and 2 months for a fucking job and I can't get one.
The only reason I hate australia is because they love their citizens so much .. that's not even a valid reason to hate, because I hate the system in SG for favouring foreign talent. So much frustration everywhere. I mean, I would love it if I was local, but ): .. it's so hard for me....
I just want a job. any fucking job.
It's so degrading that places like fastfood chains, supermarkets, 7-11 and convenience stores don't want you, plus the 500 other restaurants, offices, cafes, shops, arcades, recreational places I've applied at.
Idk .. I'm so tired from all the disappointments in life. Why can't something go right, or go steady for a change.. everything is always uncertain and hazy and builds your hopes up and then crushes you again .. Even when I got a sudden call from a stranger, I thought finally, someone's coming to rescue me, NOPE, another false alarm.
I always thought that Australia was so good to me, so good to escape the family drama at home and all the other problems in SG. I hardly get angry at people, I don't feel upset much, but it's changing... I don't know, so confused.. there are so many things I'm happy about, my independence, my new friends here and more.. but like my relationship now, there's just a void that cannot be filled.. I don't even know what it is, but I just don't feel content.
I have ever been content, and I know how good it feels, and urghh, I just feel terrible now. Zac told me today that he's never seen Cilla's parents so happy before, he says they're happy to have met me, and Cilla's mom did tell me to spend more time with her too. I'm grateful I've never felt such a welcome before. Glad someone sees me as not a bad influence, because I really don't think I am. I might come home late and play alot of games and talk loudly sometimes, but I am very morally upright. I don't lie, don't cheat, steal, get drunk, sleep around, at the very least I attend school and I do my assignments on time.
I hope this good relationship continues forever, it feels nice to have a parents welcome and love y'know, 'cause I barely get it at my own home.
I'm finally typing from my lappy again.. so much easier than the ipad keyboard, bleah ... what a hectic week it's been. Haven't been resting much since tooesday, where I had data lect, law lect did my global assignment in the lab til about 9pm. Studied for law the entire of wednesday, went over to cilla's to study more. Left home too late, had to run 20mins from Spring Hill to QUT, reached the tutorial just when the tutor was giving out quiz papers. phewww... global group meeting, global tutorial... urghh.. study more for law exam.
Friday study for law exam again, until finally taking the exam on Saturday.
jeezus, so much work to do. I probably shouldnt complain, but heck, I really doubt any of my Aussie friends know of my blog, my working in biz groupmates are fine, bree's abit uptight, I feel scared I might offend her sometimes 'cause she seems super serious about the work. Other than that I'm glad that my group is responsible. I guess I couldn't ask for b better groupmates in my Global biz as well. They're pretty efficient and plan everything except busy Stuart who runs his own business and thus isn't always present. Although Chloe is like.. bossy and scary and gives me mean looks all the time. sighhh... I do my part and I do it way ahead of time why can't you give me a break.
Gahhh, so many problems, even though I'm very comfortable with Zachary/Zac/Zeeeeek, I feel abit strange sometimes. Maybe 'cause I'm too asian :x but.. ahh, my life is just so far off from what I expected. He's sweet, he sayangs me alot hehh, he's a real good son, does alot of stuff around the house and real filial and he's the tallest guy I've ever dated and oh his eyes are to die for.
I just somehow feel something missing from our relationship. Everytime I see an update from chris I feel so annoyed now, I guess it's part of breaking up and I did choose this, I forced a break up for no reason. Chris didn't upset me, I just thought I would be happier with Zac....
I hope it's the right choice, my friends love Zac much more and I think my parents would too, but ohhhh... life is just so unpredictable who knows what shit is gonna be thrown at me next.
My mom is being irritating again as well. She keeps texting me asking about my brother, his health, his studies, is he still with 'that slut', whats he up to? For gods sake, I really don't know, umm maybe 'cause I'm 6000KM away from him?! My mom is so ridiculous, she expects me to know everything, in the first place my brother is the kind who replies a text, if he does at all, weeks later.
I need to draw a banner and fly it across him on a plane to get his attention.
Like any middle child I suppose this is just mild jealousy and frustration. Mom was like
Oh I don't know mom, maybe cause you don't care enough about me? You only care about your son, the eldest, the most important, most brilliant son that you have.
"Hi yy, how are you, did you speak to your brother yet? When are his exams over?"
"Idk mom, I've been busy, I just had an exam ytd"
"ytd = yet to date?" (WTF? how did she come up with that?)
"no mom, I had an exam yesterday."
"WHAT? Why didn't you tell me?"
Even my stepmom likes him more.
I can't be bothered anyway, I'll just make my own success one day and shove it in their faces. Only daddy is nice to me. sighs. I feel like I disappoint him too much. I don't want him to worry for me or pay so much for me...
I want to go to LA for the internship but I need to pay like ... $15K to get the double diploma from FilmSchool to be eligible for the internship, being searching like 1year and 2 months for a fucking job and I can't get one.
The only reason I hate australia is because they love their citizens so much .. that's not even a valid reason to hate, because I hate the system in SG for favouring foreign talent. So much frustration everywhere. I mean, I would love it if I was local, but ): .. it's so hard for me....
I just want a job. any fucking job.
It's so degrading that places like fastfood chains, supermarkets, 7-11 and convenience stores don't want you, plus the 500 other restaurants, offices, cafes, shops, arcades, recreational places I've applied at.
Idk .. I'm so tired from all the disappointments in life. Why can't something go right, or go steady for a change.. everything is always uncertain and hazy and builds your hopes up and then crushes you again .. Even when I got a sudden call from a stranger, I thought finally, someone's coming to rescue me, NOPE, another false alarm.
I always thought that Australia was so good to me, so good to escape the family drama at home and all the other problems in SG. I hardly get angry at people, I don't feel upset much, but it's changing... I don't know, so confused.. there are so many things I'm happy about, my independence, my new friends here and more.. but like my relationship now, there's just a void that cannot be filled.. I don't even know what it is, but I just don't feel content.
I have ever been content, and I know how good it feels, and urghh, I just feel terrible now. Zac told me today that he's never seen Cilla's parents so happy before, he says they're happy to have met me, and Cilla's mom did tell me to spend more time with her too. I'm grateful I've never felt such a welcome before. Glad someone sees me as not a bad influence, because I really don't think I am. I might come home late and play alot of games and talk loudly sometimes, but I am very morally upright. I don't lie, don't cheat, steal, get drunk, sleep around, at the very least I attend school and I do my assignments on time.
I hope this good relationship continues forever, it feels nice to have a parents welcome and love y'know, 'cause I barely get it at my own home.
bits of me revealed at ..
11:43 PM.
Friday, April 12, 2013 - [Zeeeek rage!]
Hihi~
I guess I should write about this amazing cute funny and very loving new guy in my life, but today I don't feel like it XD.
It's kinda funny, lying on his bed watching him rage at his Streetfighter controller cause its malfunctioning hehehehe. Funny how it worked perfectly fine when he was versusing the very lousy me, but messes up when he's with other real opponents. :x
So many things have happened since I met Zachary. And I always told myself that I brought bad luck to people, like dengyins ice skating accident, chris's dad's stroke, and a fair bit of bad luck has came upon zac too ): like his car overheating and losing his wallet D: Ohmannn... This feeling sucks .
Of course we've had a lot of fun and happy moments but there's always this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that bad things happen around me .. ):
Kay that's all, just feeling teeny bit down and confused.
... And handicapped cause I can't edit my post fonts and colours or pics cause I'm typing using my iPad ~~ bleah... Will get round to typing properly on a desktop soon!
bits of me revealed at ..
8:43 PM.
Tuesday, April 09, 2013 - [Internetless ):]
Haiiii, it's been so long @@... Couldn't really get a good environment to blog previously cause we moved house in sg and didn't have the Internet set up until my bro came back from Korea (his student exchange) late dec... Then I had my operation... Was bedridden ): then just.... Slacked until back to brizzy!!
So here I am, in an internetless apartment with Anna & Johnny and Royston and his girl who comes over about thrice a week ~ the mid sems just over and I've made 3 new friends so far this semester, Priscilla, Zac and most recently, Tone. Who incidentally are all loop fans like me yay.
So much has happened this 5weeks of school, I meet zac and cilla almost every day XDDD. That's cause I decided to take all Biz mods and I'm always at GP campus this sem, and cillas in 3 of my classes yayyyy ^-^ .
As many can probably guess from my Facebook posts, yes I've finally broken up with Chris after months of arguing.. I finally got the courage to leave him without any tears ! So proud of myself (:
I feel kinda bad, cause his families so nice, little yinchi and yaoyi, his ill dad.. And we did go through a lot together... Ohwell, I kinda knew it would never last. He is nice, but we're so different.. And he never has time for me ):
Be back another day. Have to complete my data assignment first. (:
So here I am, in an internetless apartment with Anna & Johnny and Royston and his girl who comes over about thrice a week ~ the mid sems just over and I've made 3 new friends so far this semester, Priscilla, Zac and most recently, Tone. Who incidentally are all loop fans like me yay.
So much has happened this 5weeks of school, I meet zac and cilla almost every day XDDD. That's cause I decided to take all Biz mods and I'm always at GP campus this sem, and cillas in 3 of my classes yayyyy ^-^ .
As many can probably guess from my Facebook posts, yes I've finally broken up with Chris after months of arguing.. I finally got the courage to leave him without any tears ! So proud of myself (:
I feel kinda bad, cause his families so nice, little yinchi and yaoyi, his ill dad.. And we did go through a lot together... Ohwell, I kinda knew it would never last. He is nice, but we're so different.. And he never has time for me ):
Be back another day. Have to complete my data assignment first. (:
bits of me revealed at ..
1:24 PM.
